Unplug and Play. Book Summary
The Ultimate Illustrated Guide to Roughhousing with Your Kids
Anthony DeBenedet, Lawrence Cohen
Quirk Books (7 Mar. 2023)
About The Authors
Anthony T. DeBenedet, M.D. is a practicing physician, writer, and behavioral-science enthusiast. His interviews and writings have run in various media outlets, including the New York Times, the Today show, the Washington Post, and TIME Ideas. He is the author of Playful Intelligence and the co-author, with Lawrence J. Cohen, of The Art of Roughhousing.
Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist specializing in children’s play and play therapy. In addition to his private therapy practice, he is also a speaker and consultant to public and independent schools. He is the author of Playful Parenting, The Opposite of Worry. He wrote two books about children’s friendships and peer relationships with Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace: Best Friends, Worst Enemies, and Mom, They’re Teasing Me. His books have been translated into fourteen languages.
About The Book
“You know roughhousing when you see it: wrestling, pillow fights, jumping off beds, sliding down stairs, tossing kids in the air. Roughhousing is common among children, but this book focuses on a special type of roughhousing: parents and children enjoying physical play together. In this book, we give you a lot of roughhousing activities, but first we’d like to explore the philosophy behind all the horseplay. What is roughhousing all about, and what does it mean for parents and children?
Roughhousing is play that flows with spontaneity, improvisation, and joy. It is free from worries about how we look or how much time is passing. It is physical, and it promotes physical fitness, release of tension, and well-being. Roughhousing is interactive, so it builds close connections between children and parents, especially as we get down on the floor and join them in their world of exuberance and imagination. Most important, roughhousing is rowdy, but not dangerous. With safety in mind, we can use roughhousing to release the creative life force within us, pushing us beyond our inhibitions and inflexibilities.”
Last year, one of my parenting resolutions was to embrace the playful parenting concept at home. Larry Cohen’s book, Playful Parenting, opened my eyes to the wonders of roughhousing, and I quickly became a devoted enthusiast. As I sought out engaging activities for active play with my boys, I stumbled upon Anthony DeBenedet’s TED talk, The Art of Roughhousing. When I checked out his work, I was fascinated to discover that he co-authored a couple of books with Larry Cohen.
Eager to put all these ideas into action, I decided to dive right into Unplug and Play. True to its subtitle, this book is “The Ultimate Illustrated Guide to Roughhousing.”
Here, Larry and Anthony dive deep into the science of play, fuelled by a mission to revive the art of roughhousing in every family. Why? Because active play offers far more benefits to child development than screen time. And the best thing about this book is that the authors equip us with an arsenal of fantastic games that not only foster a profound connection with our kids but also contribute to their lifelong skill development.
Personally, I LOVED the book, and the games within it were a hit with both me and my kids.
I’ll share some ideas and games in these notes, but I strongly recommend you grab the book for the full experience.
Let’s dive right in.
Key Insights:
Benefits of Roughhousing
“Play—especially active physical play, like roughhousing—makes kids smart, emotionally intelligent, socially intelligent, ethical, physically fit, and joyful.”
Recognizing the significance of play in children’s development, Stewart Brown, a leading play researcher, emphasizes in his insightful book Play that:
“…play seems to be one of the most advanced methods nature has invented to allow a complex brain to create itself.”
In the book, Anthony and Larry leverage recent scientific research to highlight why every parent should engage in roughhousing with their kids. Let’s have a quick look at the main benefits:
- Roughhousing makes kids smart.
- Roughhousing builds emotional intelligence.
- It’s a natural anxiety reliever.
- Roughhousing builds social intelligence.
- Roughhousing makes children ethical and moral.
- Roughhousing makes kids physically fit.
- Active physical play is the best way for parents and children to build a strong, close, lasting bond.
- Roughhousing brings joy.
So, the case is strong – more roughhousing, please!
As part of my Wise Parenting Project, I’ve written this article called From Chaos to Brilliance: The Science Behind Roughhousing and Your Children’s Growth, where I dive deep into the magic of rough and tumble play. Check it out!
Last year, we made playing as crucial as reading in our house, and we can definitely see its positive impact on our three boys.
The Mindset for Roughhousing
“The roughhousing mindset has two parts: basic goals and a basic attitude. The goals are to build closeness and build confidence. Closeness is the great payoff of spending active playtime with your child. When you master the art of roughhousing, you send a strong message to your child: I will keep you safe, and we will be closer and more connected than ever before.
Confidence is what children develop when they can count on you being by their side. The goal of parent-child roughhousing is not to win, or to toughen children up. The goal is to let children know: Your power is welcome here, this is a place where you can be strong and confident. A great way to do so is to reverse the roles when you play. Let your child be the strong one—the monster, the scary dog, the doctor giving the shot, etc.—while you exaggerate being fearful or clumsy and incompetent. This switch gives kids a chance to feel powerful and release their tensions through waves of laughter. And when in doubt, fall over! Falling over is always good for a laugh and helps children feel more confident, because it means they are not always the one who is smaller, weaker, and more helpless.
For parents, the basic attitude of roughhousing is extra enthusiasm. Rambunctious play might look like a simple physical activity, but as Yogi Berra said about baseball, “95% of this game is half mental.” We can sum up the mental part very simply: extra enthusiasm, extra energy, and extra exuberance.”
That’s simply brilliant! Keep those goals in mind (build closeness and build confidence), and sprinkle in some playfulness and silliness (enthusiasm and playful energy).
And don’t forget, it’s not about winning.
Play is a state of mind, and the trick for us adults here is to learn how to get into this playful mode when we are around our kids. Here is my simple trick on instantly getting yourself into the playful mood – it really works!
Oh, and by the way, there are some ground rules for roughhousing that you should keep in your back pocket – check out our article on that.
Good Physical Condition Raises Self-Confidence
“Being in good physical condition raises kids’ self-confidence, which helps them face the world waiting for them beyond their homes and neighborhoods. And feeling comfortable in their own bodies is a big help in learning to control their impulses and interact well with peers.”
Absolutely! What’s more, when kids feel comfortable in their bodies, they can focus better and pay attention. As Stewart Shanker writes in Help Your Child Deal With Stress – And Thrive:
“For many children having problems paying attention, we start out not with exercises designed to reduce distractibility or improve planning and sequencing but by working on their body awareness, because this is where the ability to focus starts.”
Our body, mind, and emotions are all interconnected. For a child to pay attention and self-regulate, feeling good in their own skin is key. And guess what? Roughhousing? Perfect for that.
Winning And Losing Game
“Some children develop so much angst about winning and losing that, as adults, they never grow out of it. Bo was a huge sports nut, but he was barely able to play because he couldn’t bear to lose. For him, we made up the Winning and Losing Game, which we have since played with many other children.
The idea is simple. You say, “Let’s play the winning and losing game,” to which your child asks what the heck you’re talking about. Explain that you’ve noticed they have trouble with winning and losing, and you want to play some games together to help them out. We call this process “bringing the problem onto the playing field.” You can pause there to see if they have any good ideas for what a winning and losing game could be. If they don’t, then it’s up to you. When we play, we just toss a coin in the air, and one person calls “heads” or “tails.” Whoever wins puts on a wild victory dance; whoever loses has a big fat temper tantrum (“You cheated! That’s not fair!”). That’s the whole game. Everyone giggles, and then you play again and again, for as long as it’s funny for your child. This game does not promote bad sportsmanship. On the contrary, after the child releases tension about winning and losing through waves of laughter, they’re able not only to better handle real defeats, but also to be more gracious about victories.”
What a genius idea! If your child gets super emotional about losing (completely understandable!), play it out! Just be careful not to make your child feel like you’re mocking them.
Challenge Time
“A great way to promote perseverance and confidence in children—and ourselves—is something we call Challenge Time. Think of something that would be a physical challenge for your child, maybe climbing a tree, taking off training wheels, or jumping across a small stream. Challenge your child to do it while you cheer them on, providing positive encouragement and support. Then, since fair is fair, let them set up a challenge for you.”
That’s a brilliant idea for fostering a Growth Mindset and getting kids into the flow mode!
Just remember about the Goldilocks Rule – as James Clear puts it in Atomic Habits:
“The Goldilocks Rule states that humans experience peak motivation when working on tasks that are right on the edge of their current abilities. Not too hard. Not too easy. Just right.”
My Favourite Roughhousing Games From The Book
Alright, it’s action time! Here are my top three favourite games from the book (I’ll confess, picking just three was a challenge):
1. Big Bad Monster:
“You sit in a hallway and pretend to be a Big Bad Monster as your children run loops through the house. Each time a child races by, trip them up in some playful way before allowing them to gleefully escape. The monster might hold them in a bear hug, grab their feet, give gentle noogies, or sprawl across the hall blocking the way. Brief obstacles are best so that the kids can run another lap around the house, never knowing what the next go-round will bring but knowing they’ll surely be able to break away.”
2. Booby Trap:
“Pretend your hand gets stuck on everything it touches (i.e., the ground, the table, your kid’s leg). It’s the child’s job to pry your fingers off the object. Let them do so, but make them work for it. Once your last finger is free, immediately stick your hand to another object. Variation: Pretend your two hands are magnets that clasp anything between them—like your child’s body.”
3. Sleeping Bat:
“Stand face-to-face with your child. Hold their hands or forearms and direct them to walk up your legs and torso until they are horizontal. While you maintain your grip, have them arch downward and away from you until their head is at your ankles, facing away from you, and their legs are in front of your chest. (If they’re older, they might be able to wrap their legs around your neck and shoulders.) You can swing your arms from side to side for added effect. Hold the position for a maximum of one minute. To end the move, have them flip their legs and feet away from your body while you maintain your hold on their hands or arms until they land on the floor.”
As the subtitle suggests, it’s the ultimate illustrated guide to roughhousing. So, as you can imagine, the book is packed with various games – dive in and start playing!
And if you’re hungry for more inspiration, take a peek at our article Roughhousing: 3 Games Your Kids Will Beg For.
Key Takeaways:
- Roughhouse Regularly: Embrace the chaos and joy of roughhousing with your children regularly. Let the laughter and physical play be a routine part of your interactions, creating lasting bonds and unforgettable memories.
- Embrace Challenge Time: Inject excitement and growth into your playtime by incorporating Challenge Time. Identify physical challenges for your children, like climbing a tree or mastering a new skill, and cheer them on as they conquer these feats. Keep it balanced – not too easy, not too hard, just right.
- Stay Mindful: Amidst the fun and energy of roughhousing, stay mindful. Be aware of your actions, your child’s responses, and the overall atmosphere. This not only ensures a safe and enjoyable experience but also allows you to connect more deeply with your child during these playful moments.
Quotes From The Book:
