Playful Parenting. Book Summary
An Exciting New Approach to Raising Children That Will Help You Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Confidence
Laurence J. Cohen
Ballantine Books; Reprint edition (20 Nov. 2012)
About the author
Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist specializing in children’s play and play therapy. In addition to his private therapy practice, he is also a speaker and consultant to public and independent schools, and a teacher of parenting classes and classes for daycare teachers. He is the author of Playful Parenting and The Opposite of Worry. Dr. Cohen is also the co-author, with Anthony DeBenedet, of The Art of Roughhousing. He wrote two books about children’s friendships and peer relationships with Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace: Best Friends, Worst Enemies, and Mom, They’re Teasing Me. His books have been translated into fourteen languages. Larry’s column in Nick Jr. Magazine was the winner of the 2003 Golden Lamp award from Education Press. Dr. Cohen is the author of numerous published articles in professional journals and popular magazines, and he has presented his work at professional conferences, workshops, classes, and public appearances.
About the book:
“We all know we are supposed to turn off the TV and spend more time together. But then what? Playful Parenting is a guide to having more fun with young people of all ages as they tackle new accomplishments, recover from being hurt, or are simply bursting with youthful exuberance. Through the practice of Playful Parenting – joining children in their world, focusing on connection and confidence, giggling and roughhousing, reversing roles and following your child’s lead – you will learn how to help them work through their emotional blocks and how to handle their strong emotions (and your own). You will also learn how to deal effectively with sibling rivalry and other tricky problems, and how to rethink your ideas about discipline and punishment.
Finally, in order to be fountains of hopefulness and enthusiasm for children, we must find ways to replenish ourselves. Playful Parenting offers practical help in becoming the best parents, and the most playful parents, we can be. Parents can learn to balance serious business of heartfelt connections with the silliness of wild play. Playful Parenting can help solve a variety of family difficulties, but it is also for families where everything is going fine. It helps every child have more fun, and it’s great for grown-ups. After all, we need to play too.”
If you are a big fan of Bandit and Chilly from the kids’ TV show Bluey, this book is for you.
Just kidding. Or maybe not.
As a rather serious parent, I was always fascinated by the adults who seem to have the magic of playfulness that makes children giggle and jump with joy. They instantly connect with kids, lighten up their day and fill the entire space with laughter and fun (like Bandit and Chilly). I always tried to figure out their secret so I could be more like them.
That was one of the reasons I dived deeply into the science of play over the past couple of years. After reading Play by Stewart Brown and Free to Learn by Peter Gray, I was looking for a good book on how parents can harness the power of play to help kids flourish in life.
That’s when I came across this book. As the subtitle suggests, Playful Parenting is “an exciting new approach to raising children that will help you nurture close connections, solve behavior problems, and encourage confidence”. And I must admit that it’s one of the best parenting books I’ve ever read!
Drawing on his experience as a play therapist (and adult therapist), Dr Larry Cohen teaches us how we can all embrace the Playful Parenting mindset so we can connect with our children authentically and help them build competence and confidence.
Again, the book is fantastic and absolutely packed with great ideas and insights. In my opinion, it’s a must-read for every parent and every educator. I cannot recommend it enough.
Let’s jump straight into our favourite ideas.
Key insights:
Towers of powerlessness and isolation
In the book, Larry shares a great metaphor of towers of powerlessness and isolation that helps us better understand children’s feelings.
A child may get locked in the tower of isolation when he is struggling to reconnect with peers or adults:
“Sometimes children do not connect or reconnect so easily. They may feel so isolated that they retreat into a corner, or come out aggressively with both arms swinging. They may be annoying, obnoxious, or downright infuriating as they try desperately to signal us that they need more connection. These situations call for creating more playtime, not doling out punishment or leaving the lonely child all alone.”
And the tower of powerlessness is all about struggling with confidence, competence and self-esteem (that’s pretty much when kids get stuck in a fixed mindset):
“Children who are frustrated too much, or are unable to use play to master their world, retreat into what I call the tower of powerlessness. The meadows and fields are inviting, but confidence is required in order to play out there. Locked inside this tower, unable to play freely, they may appear weak and helpless. Or they may bounce off the tower walls, looking wild and reckless, even aggressive, but feeling powerless underneath. If children are too afraid of getting hurt, or expect to be rejected, or can’t believe the world is theirs to explore, then they retreat: “I don’t want to…” “I’m no good at that…” Timmy’s hitting me!””
In short, when children are having a hard time or giving us a hard time, they are locked in those towers, and our role as parents is to help them out. How? That’s when Playful Parenting comes to the rescue!
The bottom line is that every child needs an attentive adult to play with. And that brings us to the next big idea.
When children need grown-ups in play
“Parents and children use play for these emotionally important purposes all the time, without even thinking much about it. Just as we can breathe and walk without giving it any thought, children and adults use play naturally to connect, to build confidence, and to heal from emotional distress. But meaningful play may need more effort and more awareness on the part of adults. Children have a special need of more active participation from grown-ups:
- when they are having a difficult time connecting with peers or adults;
- when they seem unable to play freely and spontaneously;
- when things are changing in their life (the start of kindergarten, the birth of a new sibling, a death or divorce in the family);
- when they are in danger.”
Free play is always great and should be encouraged as much as possible. But. These are the situations when we MUST be very intentional about playing with our children. That’s when they get locked in the towers of powerlessness and isolation and struggle to get out without the help of an adult.
The main thing here is to tune in to your child. Notice what they need (remember, behaviour is communication):
“Do they need help figuring something out? Are they too sleepy or hungry to think clearly? Do two children need a break from each other for a while? Do they need to be outside where they can be louder and wilder? Maybe they need more attention.”
From my experience, embracing Playful Parenting requires a lot of consciousness and effort (especially for a serious parent like me). But the results are so worth it!
When we, adults, play with children, we strengthen connection between us, and help them practice confidence and competence. That’s the foundation of play therapy. If your child needs help getting out of the towers, get on the floor and play.
Filling a Child’s Cup
“Child psychologies talk about attachment theory all the time, but it still isn’t well understood by parents. To help explain attachment, I like to use the metaphor of filling and refilling a cup. The primary caregiver is a child’s reservoir, a place to start from and return to, in between explorations. The child’s need for attachment with them is like a cup that is emptied by being hungry, tired, lonely, or hurt. The cup is refilled by being loved, fed, comforted, and nurtured. Besides food, warmth, and loving physical contact, a caregiver’s refilling includes soothing when the child is upset, and playing and talking when he or she is happy.”
I love this metaphor of filling a child’s cup! It’s rooted in well-researched attachment theory. The key idea is that children whose cup gets constant refills are more resilient, confident and cooperative as they are securely attached to their parent or caregiver. When a child’s needs are unmet, he runs on an empty, and it causes various socio-emotional and behavioural issues.
Our job as parents is to ensure that our child gets a refill whenever the emotional cup is depleted. Larry writes:
“Filling and refilling the child’s cup is the basis of heartfelt parent-child connections. It isn’t something that happens once, but over and over again, in countless mini-interactions over a span of years.”
That’s like an emotional bank account in Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. You have to pay close attention so you don’t go into overdraft.
Best ways to refill the cup? Giggles and a good cry!
P.S.: one thing to remember here is that in order to provide a refill for our child’s cup, we need to ensure our cups are full!
Follow the giggles
“For a parent who wants to use play to build closeness and confidence, giggling is a sure sign that you are on the right track. Following the giggles means simply that if something makes the child giggle, then you do it again. And again, and again, and again.”
Here is a big idea: laughing together makes a connection, and making a connection often brings a laugh.
Laughter is a key to the fortress of isolation. It helps to release strong emotions and refill our emotional cups.
“We often forget the importance of laughter. We are especially forgetful, or especially serious, when we are dealing with children who are being obnoxious or aggressive or uncooperative, and when we have run out of patience and good humor. Stress doesn’t help much either. But these are the very conditions when Playful Parenting is most helpful.”
That brings us to the next point.
P.S.: Easy way to find out what makes little people giggle? Ask them to make you laugh!
Lose your dignity and be goofy.
“Children often feel stupid – either secretly or not so secretly – and they long to see someone else look stupid for a change. One of my favourite ways to reach children is to lose my dignity. This lets children be the more powerful one is playful interactions, and lets them heal their bruised egos by seeing me lose my dignity a little.”
Children laugh a lot when they see an adult pretending to be a dolt. So sing funny songs, fall a lot (e.g. Shakespearean death scene – more on that below), dance around, and look foolish.
I must admit I first needed a glass of wine to embrace my goofy personality, but after reading the book and a bit of practising, I’m getting better and better at being silly without any doping ☺
Roughhousing
“When children show us their wild and scary sides, we need to be persistent as Jacob and as calm as Milapera. If we can stay with them, physically and emotionally, we will find the cooperative, loving, joyful human being who may have been buried under a pile of angry or scary or sad or lonely feelings. Wrestling with them can help them find their true self again.
There is an endless variety of ways to wrestle. You try to pin their shoulders to the floor, or they try to pin you. They try to get past you, or you try to get past them. They try to knock you down. You hold them, and they squirm to get away. They may need you to lose your dignity and be totally incompetent so they can feel powerful.”
All mammals, including humans, benefit tremendously from rough-and-tumble play. It helps to test our physical strength, have fun and practice controlling our aggression and other hurtful feelings.
Larry is a strong advocate of roughhousing, and in the book, he suggests that it is one of the best ways to play with kids – both boys and girls. It helps to connect, have fun, boost their confidence and play through the challenging issues they go through during the day.
The big idea here is that children need a lot of active physical play for healthy development. As adults, we often prefer to sit and talk through problems and difficult feelings, but many of our parenting challenges can be better dealt with physically or through play.
So get on the floor, wrestle or start a pillow fight. Larry writes:
“There are two signs that wrestling is on the right track: one is giggling and the other is sweating, straining, and exertion.”
For example, my boys love to play with me a game called “a dead horse”: the scenario is that a dead horse (me) falls right on top of a child, and he needs to get away from it. Loads of giggles and “my turn now”.
In the book, Larry shares rules of wrestling that are really useful – check out the book for more.
P.S.: Larry co-authored a book, The Art of Roughhousing, with Dr Anthony DeBenedet – that’s definitely on my list now ☺ For now, check out Dr Debenedet’s TED talk on the importance of roughhousing:
Follow your child’s lead
“Playful parenting is a delicate balance between following a child’s lead and stepping in as a guide. On one side, we let children be completely in charge of the play, in order to nurture their creativity and sense of confidence. On the other side, we actively intervene to help children get unstuck from situations that are repetitive, boring, or potentially harmful.”
While most adults are pretty good at communicating their needs and feelings verbally, children do this through play. So the secret of finding the balance between free play and “therapeutic” play is to listen carefully and follow a child’s lead. Here is a manual from Larry on how to do it:
- Just say yes: it’s about having a basic attitude of acceptance rather than rejection, approval rather than disapproval. Be animated, enthusiastic, and take stock of your own feelings.
- Do whatever they want to do: playing with children whatever they want to play and how they want to play is our way of really listening. “The more we join them in their world, the more cooperative they’ll be when we drag them along to ours.”
- Be safe (but don’t worry too much): separate your fears from actual danger.
- Set aside PlayTime: that’s regular one-on-one time with your child. Aka Special Time.
- Take time to recover: PlayTime is emotionally draining, so the best way to recover is to talk to other parents about it! And play ☺
Insist on connection
“Our job is to insist on connection, to assume that children want more contact and more affection underneath their rejecting or obnoxious behavior. Not that they want to cuddle with us every minute – they also need to spread their wings and fly. But joyfully exploring the world, knowing that we are cheering them on, is vastly different from feeling sullen, withdrawn, depressed, or lonely. […]
Oddly, even though children demand so much attention from us, they often tune out when we finally put everything else aside and get on the floor to play with them. This can be confusing and even annoying, but it actually makes perfect sense. They are feeling locked away in the tower of isolation. And they are a bit mad at us for that. When we give them our full attention, they show us what’s going on in their hearts. They don’t say in words, they say it in play, but pretending we don’t exist or don’t matter. When we were busy, they felt as if they didn’t matter to us. So don’t give up or walk away; be persistent. Our job is to take the initiative and push (gently) for connection.”
That’s so important. Even when our children refuse to connect with us, our job is to insist on connection until there is a breakthrough.
If a child shuts the door in your face, screams, “Go away”, and retreats into the tower of isolation, your job is to find a way to reconnect. One way to do it, Larry suggests in the book, is to slip love notes under the door until the child is ready to connect with you again.
Sometimes what they need is what Larry calls Holding Time – when a child is avoiding reconnection, grab a child and hold him close – firm, but gently – until all the painful feelings are out.
I personally tried these ideas with my kids and can confirm that THEY WORK!
Playful Parenting games
The book is PACKED with fantastic ideas on how you can put Playful Parenting into practice, so definitely read the book for inspiration. Here are my favourite games:
Love gun:
If a child aims a toy gun at you, you can say, “Hey, you found a love gun! When I get shot with this gun, I just have to love the person who shot me.” And then chase a child with corny love songs, hug him when you catch him, and pretend to be in love in an exaggerated way. On the same note, Larry writes: “Funny exaggerations of love and affection are a good way for many parents and children to express their deep feelings for each other.”
Poopyhead game:
When a child calls you names (e.g. poopyhead, stinky), you respond playfully, “Shhh, don’t tell everybody my secret name!” Then a child is most likely to tell everybody that your secret name is Poopyhead ☺ You can playfully respond, “Oh no! I was just kidding. My real secret name *insert a silly name*”
The Sock Game:
“Each person tries to take off everyone else’s socks while keeping his or her own”. Children find it hilarious. Me too.
The Tragic Shakespearean Death Science:
“In the death scene, a child pretends to shoot you, or hits you, or sticks out his or her tongue, or says “I hate you, you’re stinky,” and you grab your chest and fall over – right on top of the child, in a highly exaggerated and drawn-out death scene.”
In the book, Larry also shares many ideas for role reversal games to help a child play through challenging situations and fears – definitely check out the book for more.
Action steps for you:
- Set regular Play Time with each of your children – follow their lead and step in playfully if you see that they need help with figuring something out.
- Roughhouse – pillow fights, wrestling, the sock game – anything that involves giggles and physical contact.
- When things go smoothly, be goofy and play the games that make children giggle (and laugh a lot together). When they have a tough time, insist on connection and use play to get them out of towers of powerlessness and isolation (e.g. role reversal, games to boost confidence and competence).
Quotes from the book:
