Eight Dates. Book Summary
To Keep Your Relationship Happy, Thriving and Lasting
John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams & Rachel Abrams
Penguin Life (4 July 2019)
About the authors
John Gottman, PHD, is the bestselling author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and numerous acclaimed books. His breakthrough work has won him four National Institute of Mental Health Research Science Awards, and he is a frequent guest on national media. He also co-founded the Gottman Institute with his wife, Julie.
Julie Schwartz Gottman, PHD, is an award-winning psychologist, co-creator of the Art and Science of Love weekend workshops, and author or co-author of five books, including Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.
About the book:
“Every great love story is a never-ending conversation. From the first tentative questions we ask as we get to know one another, to the nail-biting discussions of trust and commitment, to the most profound heart-to-heart explorations of our love, our pain, and our dreams, it’s the quality of our questions and our answers that allow us to continue learning and growing with one another through the years. And when conflict comes, as it inevitably does when we weave two lives together, it’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct that allows us to turn toward instead of away from one another in the moments of disagreement. Whether you and your partner are talkative or quiet, the words that pass between you, as well as the expressions and gestures that accompany those words, will define and determine your relationship. A true love story isn’t a fairy tale. It takes vulnerability and effort. The reward is that you love your partner more on your fiftieth anniversary than you did on your wedding night. You can stay in love forever. […]
Decades of research show that the great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other. Relationships don’t last without talk, even for the strong and silent type. This book will help you create your own love story by giving you the framework for the eight conversations you and your partner should have before you commit to each other, or once you’ve committed to each other, as well as throughout the years, whenever it is time to recommit.”
If you’re searching for a solid, research-backed guide on how to build a happy, lasting relationship, this book is a real treasure.
John Gottman has spent over four decades studying thousands of couples to understand what makes some relationships flourish while others flounder. His wife, Julie, is an award-winning clinical psychologist who’s worked with thousands of individuals and couples. Today, they are the leaders in the world of love and relationships.
Teaming up with Doug Abrams & Rachel Abrams, they’ve crafted eight conversation-based dates to strengthen couples’ connections and uncover new things about each other.
Eight Dates is an incredibly practical guide to help you navigate the highs and lows of a relationship, whether you’re a long-married couple or just starting out. Each chapter provides research, suggested activities, and exercises, giving you all the tools to build a happier life together.
It’s packed with brilliant ideas, and I can’t wait to share my favourite insights with you.
Let’s dive right in!
Key insights:
Happy couples maximize the positive
“What we’ve learned is that the couples who are most likely to have happy marriages show the following qualities and characteristics when they talk about their relationship:
FONDNESS, AFFECTION, ADMIRATION: Either verbally or nonverbally, the couple expresses positive affect (warmth, humor, affection); they emphasize the good times; they compliment their partner.
WE-NESS VERSUS SEPARATENESS: The couple emphasizes their ability to communicate well with each other and their mutual unity and togetherness. They use words like “we,” “us,” or “our” as opposed to a lot of “I,” “me,” “mine.” They don’t describe themselves as separate.
EXPANSIVENESS VERSUS WITHDRAWAL: The couple describes memories about their shared past vividly and distinctly, versus vaguely or more generally with an inability to recall details. They are positive and energetic talking about their relationship, versus lacking energy and enthusiasm in recalling their past. They express intimate information about themselves, rather than staying impersonal and guarded.
GLORIFYING THE STRUGGLE: In a relationship people build a whole life together, filled with values, purpose, and meaning. In “glorifying the struggle,” the couple expresses pride that they have survived difficult times, versus expressing the hopelessness of their hard times. They emphasize their commitment to the relationship versus questioning whether they should really be with this partner. They are proud of their relationship versus being ashamed of it. They talk about their shared values, goals, and life philosophy. They have intentionally created a sense of shared meaning and purpose, even in the way they move through time together. And they create intentional traditions in their relationship for connecting emotionally. We call these “rituals of connection.” Dates are an example of rituals of connection.”
After decades of research, John Gottman achieved a jaw-dropping 94% accuracy in predicting whether couples would stay happily married or end up divorcing.
It all began 45 years ago when John and his colleague Robert Levenson set up ‘The Love Lab’ to observe 130 newlywed couples. The lab was basically an apartment where they watched couples in their daily life, reality show style. Everyone wore monitors to track their heartbeats and even bathroom trips were tracked for stress hormones. Cameras on the walls captured body language, and morning blood samples were taken to check hormones and immunity. Couples also shared their relationship stories during a two-hour interview.
The results were clear – happy couples radiated positivity toward each other and their relationship.
Your mindset and attitude play a huge role in marital happiness. Can you see the good in your partner and in the face of difficulties? Can you focus on the positives and minimize the negatives each day?
Remember, overall negativity erodes any relationship.
Here is one more important takeaway from the study:
“Every successful marriage and relationship has, at its foundation, a deep and close friendship – partners who really know each other and are, at the heard of it, on the same side, part of the same team.”
This is why communication is crucial. Based on this incredible study and years of experience, John and Julie Gottman came up with eight important conversation topics for couples to explore together.
Eight dates
“We know that it’s the small, positive things done often that make a true difference in relationships. Showing appreciation and affection for your partner regularly, talking together at the end of each day, giving each other a kiss hello and goodbye—these are all elements of a happy and healthy relationship. Your relationship is built out of these small and simple moments together each day; you should embrace them. But we also are asking you to set aside time once a week to have a planned date night—or date afternoon or morning.
Each chapter in this book will guide you through eight different dates that will strengthen your relationship, but date nights should be a permanent part of a lifetime of love and connection. The goal is to have a special date once a week, and make that a priority in your relationship.
For many busy couples, and especially once they have children, date nights often become random, freak acts of nature—when the twin fates of childcare and work schedules align to give them a respite from an endless “to-do” list. Date nights, however, shouldn’t be haphazard occurrences that happen only when opportunity, finance, and laundry all reach some perfect and magical alignment in the universe. Date nights are planned. Date nights are prioritized. In many relationships and marriages, fun, play, and connecting with each other become the last items on the “to-do” list. This is a sure recipe for discontent and growing apart.
The plain and simple truth is—date nights make relationships.”
If you’re aiming for a rock-solid relationship, here’s the deal: you’ve got to commit to regular dates. Now, a perfect date isn’t about Netflix and Chill or sitting in silence during a fancy dinner. It’s about connecting on a deeper level. It’s about those meaningful conversations that bring you closer together.
Whether you’re in the early dating stages or deep into a marriage with kids, prioritizing dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other is a must. Stay curious about your partner; it’s what keeps the magic alive.
Drawing from nearly five decades of relationship research, the Gottmans propose that every long-term couple should have open conversations about 8 essential topics. They recommend setting up 8 dates to explore these subjects, and each date is like a script for an epic connection with exercises to go through with your partner.
Let’s get a sneak peek at each date:
Date 1: Trust and Commitment
“Trust is cherishing each other and showing your partner that you can be counted on.” This date is all about defining trust and commitment in your relationship and making a pact to live those values every day. Questions to discuss: “What does trust and commitment look like in our relationship? How can we make each other feel safe? What are our agreements about trust and commitment?”
Date 2: Addressing Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it’s also an opportunity to know your partner better and deepen your intimacy. On this date, explore how you manage conflict and embrace your differences. Questions to discuss: “How do we manage conflict? How are we the same and how are we different? How do we accommodate and accept the differences between us?”
Date 3: Sex and intimacy
“Couples who can talk openly about sex have more sex, and the women have more orgasms.” Yep, sex is super important for a happy and long-lasting relationship, so we need to get comfortable to talk about it. Topics to explore on a date – romance, sex, and physical intimacy (what turns you on, likes and dislikes, what can you do to have better sex, etc.)
Date 4: Work and Money
Money ranks high among the top issues that cause couple conflicts. The work-life balance is another challenge. Questions to discuss: “How do we each bring value to the relationship? What is our history with work and money and what does having enough money mean to each other?”
Date 5: Family
Deciding on having kids can be a make-or-break decision. Research shows that marital satisfaction often drops after a child is born, but involvement from both partners and maintaining your sexual connection can prevent this. Questions to explore on the date: “What does creating a family mean to each of us? Do we want children? How do we define family to our relationship?”
Date 6: Fun and Adventure
Couples who play together stay together. Play and adventure are crucial components of a happy and successful relationship. So make playing together a priority and bring a spirit of play to anything you do together. Questions to discuss: “How do we each like to have fun? What is the role of play and adventure in our lives?”
Date 7: Growth and spirituality
“Amazing things happen in relationship when a couple can change and grow and accommodate the growth of the other person.” Personal growth and shared meaning (e.g. having a Family Manifesto) are keys to relationship success. Questions to discuss: “How have we each grown and changed in the relationship? What does spirituality mean to each of us and how do we express it?”
Date 8: Dreams
“Dreaming together, and supporting each other in pursuing individual dreams, is just as critical for your relationship as trust, commitment, and sex.” Dreaming together and supporting each other’s aspirations is a key for creating love for a lifetime. On this date, discuss: “What are our deepest dreams? How do we help each other fulfil dreams? How do we dream together?”
In the book, you’ll find scripts, exercises, and other nuggets of wisdom, so grab it for more insights and, most importantly, put it into action!
Here’s your challenge: set up those 8 dates with your partner and work through these topics. The order doesn’t matter; start with what feels right, but make sure to tackle them all.
Simple Way to Keep the Passion Flowing
“There’s one simple way to keep the passion flowing in your relationship—kiss. Kiss a lot. Kiss often. Kiss each time you leave each other, and each time you see each other again after being apart. And we’re not talking about a peck on the lips like you would give your grandmother; we recommend a juicy, 6-second kiss that would make your grandmother—or anyone else watching the two of you—blush. When you kiss passionately, you set off a chemical cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that release dopamine and increase oxytocin, both of which make you feel good. Really good. If you really mean it when you kiss, your blood vessels will dilate, your brain will receive extra oxygen, your pupils will dilate, and your cheeks will flush. Lips are our body’s most exposed erogenous zone and are associated with a disproportionately large part of the brain. The brain literally lights up with a good kiss, and kissing activates 5 out of 12 cranial nerves. More important, though, for those 6 seconds when you leave each other and when you return to each other, you are disconnecting from the world outside and reconnecting with your partner and the world you are creating together. In just 6 seconds you tell each other that you matter, and you choose each other all over again.”
Yep. Here’s a simple relationship hack for you, no frills. It’s a six-second, passionate kiss. Do it at least twice a day.
And if you need some convincing, check this out:
“[…] men who kissed their wives before leaving for work lived five years longer and earned 20 percent more than men who “left without a peck goodbye.”
Now, that’s something to chew on!
How to Find Kids-Love Balance
“If you’ve decided to have children and you want to stay away from the bottom of the U-shaped curve, then you both need to have two main goals.
1. Both partners should work to stay involved during the pregnancy and birth of children. Both should be involved as equally as possible with the new baby, whether they are same sex or heterosexual couples. In heterosexual couples, studies show that dad’s involvement matters greatly, and the secret to keeping dad involved with the baby is a good relationship with mom. If there is low conflict and continued sex, then dad will stay involved with the baby, and the couple is more likely to maintain marital happiness.
2. The second most important thing is for the two of you to maintain intimacy and connection. You need to make your relationship a priority. If you don’t, you will fall to the bottom of the curve and not get out for 18 years, if you don’t divorce first. To maintain intimacy you need to talk to each other about your stresses, make time to connect (date nights!), and avoid defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and shutting down or withdrawing from each other. Review the chapters on conflict and sex if in doubt.”
In the book, the authors present an interesting graph that maps out marital satisfaction over a lifetime:
What’s intriguing is that a whopping 67 percent of couples experience a significant dip in overall life and marital happiness within the first three years of welcoming a baby. And brace yourself, because it tends to worsen with each subsequent child. However, here’s the twist: once the kids spread their wings and venture into the world, those couples who didn’t get divorced during this time often bounce right back to their pre-kids happiness levels.
Now, you might be thinking this data makes starting a family seem like a daunting prospect. But the real truth is that you can absolutely maintain a happy marriage while raising children.
The secret sauce? Having both partners share the household chores and actively engage with kids (the universal love language). Throw in a healthy sex life and open communication, and you’re well on your way to crafting your very own happily ever after.
And here is another truth bomb for you:
“[…] studies have shown that ongoing unhappy relationships can damage the cognitive and emotional well-being of children, while happy relationships can strengthen children’s school performance, peer relationships, and emotional intelligence. Clearly, your relationship matters in your own lives, in the lives of your children, and in your larger community.”
So put effort into nurturing your relationship, especially if you’re raising kids. It’s an investment that pays dividends for all involved.
Grow Together
“The goal isn’t to try to make the other person be like you. The goal is to learn from them and to benefit from the ways you’re different. Life can be a struggle. Relationships can be a struggle. You create meaning when you meet each inevitable struggle in life together, and move and grow through its adversity. When you create meaning out of the struggle, you stay together.”
That’s the ultimate goal – growing together and providing unwavering support on the path to eudaimonia, a flourishing life.
In Happy Together, James Pawelski and Suzann Pileggi Pawelski echo a similar sentiment. They propose that the pinnacle of romantic relationships is to strive to become Aristotelian Lovers:
“Aristotelian lovers are inspired to become better people themselves. They value the ways their partner’s unique character and patient love help them see more clearly what it means to be a good person and how they themselves can realize more of their own potential. They realize this is something they will need to work at, and don’t simply rely on their partner to do it for them. But they welcome the partnership and the support toward mutual growth.”
This is some seriously inspirational food for thought, especially when you’re on date number seven.
Action steps for you:
- Schedule regular date nights: Set aside specific times in your calendar for these dates and commit to them just as you would any other important appointment. Use the 8 dates themes for your conversations.
- Embrace the 6-Second Kiss: Make a 6-second kiss your daily ritual with your partner. It’s a simple but powerful way to maintain intimacy and connection.
- Cherish Your Partner: Try the “How much do you actually cherish your partner” exercise from the book. It’s a great way to reflect on your relationship and discover ways to cherish your partner even more. You can also use this exercise to express appreciation and gratitude to your partner.
Quotes from the book:
