After reading tons of parenting books and self-help literature, we concluded that they have one thing in common. They all talk about the importance of self-esteem – it lies at the core of pretty much any idea. Growth mindset, grit, flow, resilience, optimism, well-being in general – everything depends on self-esteem. Seriously.
So if you want your children to thrive in life, if you want them to grow into confident and successful adults, your top-priority goal should be helping them to build healthy self-esteem. It is fundamental to their development, psychological well-being and sense of who they are.
In this article, we’ve pulled together ten things parents can do to help children develop self-esteem. All science-based and ready to be put into action at your home right away.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem seems to be a buzzword. However, it is a very complex psychological construct. So let’s begin by firstly shedding some light on what it is and where it comes from.
Probably, the father of the psychology of self-esteem Nathaniel Branden offered one of the best definitions of self-esteem in his iconic book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem:
“Self-esteem, fully realized, is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. More specifically, self-esteem is:
1. confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life, and
2. confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.”
Here is one important point we want to highlight. Most people believe that self-esteem is about how children FEEL about themselves. However, the feelings are just one side of the coin.
What really impacts children’s self-esteem is what they actually DO. If they do well, their self-esteem shoots through the roof. Mastery, persistence, meeting challenges, overcoming boredom and frustration, and working successfully – that’s what matters the most. Without DOING WELL, it is hard to FEEL GOOD about yourself.
As Martin Seligman writes in The Optimistic Child:
“Feelings of self-esteem in particular, and happiness in general, develop as side effects — of mastering challenges, working successfully, overcoming frustration and boredom, and winning. The feeling of self-esteem is a byproduct of doing well. Once a child’s self-esteem is in place, it kindles further success. Tasks flow more seamlessly, troubles bounce off, and other children seem more receptive.”
So the power of self-esteem lies in the fact that it is more than a judgment or a feeling. It is a motivator. It inspires behaviour. And in turn, actions directly affect self-esteem. There is a continuous feedback loop between actions and self-esteem.
Why should you foster healthy self-esteem in your child? Simply because it allows them not only to feel better but also to live better.
Research says self-esteem profoundly affects children’s happiness level, sense of worth, and overall development. Children with high self-esteem feel more confident and capable, are more resilient, have a higher sense of control, and have higher academic achievements. In a nutshell, children with a high level of self-esteem grow up into happier and more successful adults.
Scientists argue that our level of self-esteem is not set in stone and can be changed over time. However, even though many things influence our level of self-esteem (including genetics, environment and many other psychological factors), parenting has a profound effect on it.
So what parents can do to help a child develop healthy self-esteem? Here is our list.
10 things parents of children with high self-esteem do
1. Accept and respect the child’s feelings, thoughts, needs and wants.
That means loving your child unconditionally, making him feel safe and secure, accepting him as he is, and valuing him as a person. That’s what Jesper Juul calls “taking a child seriously”. And it’s all about building a strong connection with your child through empathy, love and respect. Let your child feel loved, valued and seen.
2. Set clear borders and limits that are fair, nonoppressive, and negotiable.
All the psychologists agree that children need clear boundaries to thrive. Such limits give a child a sense of security and a clear basis for evaluating their behaviour. And the whole point is to give the child freedom within those boundaries so that he can develop a sense of control over his life – within the set limits. If you need more ideas on setting borders with kids, check out our notes on No! by Jesper Juul and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
3. Set high standards and high expectations in terms of child’s behaviour and performance.
In the landmark study The Antecedents of Self-Esteem, Stanley Coopersmith emphasized that children who grew up having a high level of self-esteem had parents who set high expectations and challenged them to be the best they could be. Add a loving and supportive attitude (point 1), and you get wise parenting ☺
4. Help a child develop a growth mindset.
In Mindset, Carol Dweck highlights that a growth mindset elevates the level of self-esteem in children. This is because children with a growth mindset are confident in their ability to achieve their goals. They believe that challenges and setbacks are opportunities to learn and grow. One of the most powerful tools here is praising effort and progress, not the ability. Check out our article on how you can help your child develop a growth mindset for more.
5. Focus on child’s strengths.
It’s important to help your child discover their very own unique talents and qualities and to value their own strengths. When a child focuses his energy on developing strengths, it leads to mastery and competence. And healthy self-esteem. So instead of trying to fix your child’s weaknesses, help him harness his gifts. Check out Martin Seligman’s signature strengths exercise from his great book Flourish.
6. Teach a child executive skills.
Executive skills are the fundamental brain-based skills required to execute tasks: getting organized, planning, initiating work, staying on task, controlling impulses, regulating emotions, and being adaptable and resilient. These skills are crucial for learning and development.
In fact, they are the essential skills for DOING well.
7. Let child struggle.
When we give our children the space to struggle through things on their own, they learn to problem-solve and be confident in their abilities, which subsequently affects their self-esteem. At the same time, they learn how to deal with bad feelings resulting from failures and challenges (for this, you also need a growth mindset and optimism). And as Martin Seligman writes in The Optimistic Child, anxiety, frustration, competition, and challenge help children get out of their comfort zone and grow. Without it, they can’t experience FLOW, they can’t develop mastery, and they will struggle with self-esteem.
8. Create a sense of belonging.
Studies show that children who have a strong sense of belonging have higher self-esteem. You can start building it by telling your children family stories over a family meal ☺ As simple as that. Check out our ultimate guide on creating a family narrative.
9. Prioritise free play.
According to research, free play is crucial for children’s healthy development. In particular, children need to have time for unstructured play to build their self-confidence and self-esteem. As Professor Peter Grey writes in his brilliant book Free to Learn:
“Free play is the means by which children learn to make friends, overcome their fears, solve their own problems, and generally take control of their own lives. It is also the primary means by which children practice and acquire the physical and intellectual skills that are essential for success in the culture in which they are growing.”
10. Model healthy self-esteem.
Our actions are always louder than our words. In The Antecedents of Self-Esteem study, Coopersmith also observed that in families where children had healthy self-esteem, parents themselves enjoyed a high level of self-esteem. And they modelled self-efficacy and self-respect. As Nathaniel Branden reminds us in his iconic book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: “We must become what we wish to teach.” Working on your very own self-esteem is always a win-win situation for both you and your child.
Hard work that pays off
Self-esteem is fundamental to children’s development, psychological well-being and sense of who they are. So helping your child to build healthy self-esteem is one of the best ways you can spend your time as a parent. And although it seems like it may take a little extra effort, your child will harness the positive benefits of healthy self-esteem for the whole life. And at the same time, as Nathaniel Branden mentioned in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem:
“In supporting and nurturing the self-esteem of our children, we support and nurture our own.”
Question for you – what one strategy will you try today? Make it a habit.
Loads of love,
Irina and Dawid
