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With over 15 million copies sold, this book is still considered the quintessential self-help book. Despite a bit cheesy title that could put some off, it offers lots of actionable advice on how to improve your interpersonal skills. Carnegie’s main message here is that it is possible to change other people’s behaviour by changing one’s behaviour toward them. By understanding others perspective, being respectful, fostering other people’s self-esteem, you could become a leader that others are looking up to. Many of the technics from the book can also help parents to take their relationship with children to the next level.

KEY IDEAS FROM THE BOOK

“‘Compared to what we ought to be, said the famous Professor William James of Harvard, ‘compared to what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.’

Those powers which you ‘habitually fail to use’! The sole purpose of this book is to help you discover, develop, and profit by those dormant and unused assets.

‘Education,’ said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of Princeton University, ‘is the ability to meet life’s situations.’

 If by the time you have finished reading the first three chapters of this book—if you aren’t then a little better equipped to meet life’s situations, then I shall consider this book to be a total failure so far as you are concerned. For ‘the great aim of education,’ said Herbert Spencer, ‘is not knowledge but action.’

And this is an action book.”

In this book Dale Carnegie offers the all-time great technics to help you connect with others, so you could be better equipped for managing all different types of life situations (aka soft skills). He recognised that social (and emotional) intelligence is super important when dealing with people back in the 1930’s when the book was first published. But it is still relevant today, and even more than 80 years ago.

Dale Carnegie message is simple and powerful. We need to wake up, “go out of the comfort zone” and challenge ourselves to become a better version of ourselves. By taking action!

That was one of the first self-help books we’ve read years ago, and it changed our way of interacting with people a lot. Recently we went through the book again and looked at it from the parenting perspective. Apparently, you can use plenty of Carnegie’s technics when interacting with children ☺ So we are excited to share our favourite ideas from the book!

“Indispensable requirement” for improving your people skills

“If you wish to get the most out of this book, there is one indispensable requirement, one essential infinitely more important than any rule or technique. Unless you have this one fundamental requisite, a thousand rules on how to study will avail little. And if you do have this cardinal endowment, then you can achieve wonders without reading any suggestions for getting the most out of a book.

What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.

How can you develop such an urge? By constantly reminding yourself how important these principles are to you. Picture to yourself how their mastery will aid you in leading a richer, fuller, happier, and more fulfilling life. Say to yourself over and over: ‘My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.”

That quote is from the Preface: “Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book.”

Carnegie says that if you want to achieve mastery in dealing with people, you need a deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability.

Of course, this magic tip would apply to anything that you would like to improve in your life. You really need to want it and expect you can have it. Then you need to keep your attention focused and set micro-wins in pursuit of that goal. To be precise: ANY goal!

In the same section, Carnegie shares one more suggestion:

“Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. So, if you desire to master the principles you are studying in this book, do something about them. Apply these rules at every opportunity. If you don’t, you will forget them quickly. Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.”

That reminds me of Nathaniel Branden and his approach to self-development. In his outstanding book “Six pillars of self-esteem” he says that if we really want to change, we need to PRACTICE – it is nice to read and talk about ideas, memorise inspiring words, and get an intellectual understanding of something. But it’s what we DO that leads to change.

Nathaniel also says:

“A ‘practice’ implies a discipline of acting in a certain way over and over again—consistently. It is not action by fits and starts or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather, it is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.”

Love it. So let’s always keep in mind how we could move from theory to practice! Whenever you learn something, always reflect on how you can apply this knowledge to your life and then just DO it (Practice. Practice. Practice.)

Do not criticize, condemn or complain

“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment”.

You will not achieve anything by criticising, condemning, complaining or gossiping. Skinner was the first to notice one important thing: animals rewarded for good behaviour will learn more effectively than those punished for bad behaviour. The same applies to people. And it is absolutely crucial to understand when dealing with CHILDREN.

Here is Carnegie’s tip:

“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.” To know all is to forgive all”.

Become a researcher – be curious and try to understand why a person did it, accept his shortcomings and make it a rule never criticise him openly.

It is also important to see the difference between criticising and giving constructive feedback. One harms person’s self-esteem and another – not really ☺ Very important note for parents!

Carnegie also makes a good point about arguing – often we get into an argument just to prove that we are right, and another person is wrong:

“Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save a face? He did not ask for your opinion. He did not want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle.”

Advice from Dale Carnegie takes emotions out of the equation and leaves only logic. Main point – arguments are not productive, and he adds: “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.“ The more we listen, the more we could learn from others. So let’s only share our opinions when we are asked for them.

That leads us to another Carnegie’s tip.

Show respect for the other person’s opinions.

“If the person makes a statement that you think is wrong – yes, even that you know is wrong – is not it better to begin by saying: Well, now, look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.”

Dale Carnegie highlights that respect for others and the virtue of humbleness is the foundation of succeeding with people. When we say to another person: “You are wrong”, we can only achieve resentment from that person. Basically, it is a direct attack on someone’s self-esteem. It’s much better to use diplomacy and discuss the facts. Works well with kids too ☺

In fact, this wisdom is not new. As King Akhtoi (4000 years ago 😉 said to his son: “Be diplomatic – it will help you gain your point”. Or Jesus: “Agree with thine [your] adversary quickly”. While Socrates says: “One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing”.

We are also reminded of the “father of modern science” – Galileo. He tells us: “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”

So let’s do our best to be more respectful and humble. Especially when interacting with our children.

Be present: be a good listener and become genuine interested in other people

“Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”

Dale says that people like to talk and be listened to. By listing others, giving them your full attention (phones aside, please), you show them respect and essentially make them feel important.

One take away here: to be interesting to others, we need to become interested in others. One of the best ways to do it is to ask questions and listen.

And it is such an important skill, which many parents lack nowadays! Remember, children often misbehave just because they want to get our attention. Negative, positive or whatever attention we can give them.

Carnegie also adds one important observation:

“People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves – morning, noon and after dinner.”

It’s a quite strong statement but shows a bit of self-centred human nature. People like to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. And for us, it is an excellent opportunity to learn from them, from their mistakes and wins.

It reminds me of Ralf Waldo Emerson wisdom: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

Also, being genuinely interested in other people means giving them something that is the most precious on Earth: our attention and time—helping them in unselfishness and thoughtfulness way.

As Dale Carnegie says:

“If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”

Same in parenting – most of the time, children prefer your time rather than a new toy. Be present and become interested in your child!

Smile – the best way to connect and make a good first impression

“Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. ‘People who smile,’-he said, ‘tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment’”

An authentic and sincere smile (do not confuse it with a fake smile) is powerful. Even when it is unseen (e.g. on the phone). It is a great strategy to make a good first impression. And even if you don’t feel happy and don’t want to smile – do it anyway, act like a happy person! And then the feelings will follow.

That reminds me of Sonja Lyubomirsky – in “The How of Happiness” she says:

“Remarkably, pretending that you’re happy – smiling, engaged, mimicking energy and enthusiasm – not only can earn you some of the benefits of happiness (returned smiles, strengthened friendships, successes at work and school) but can actually make you happier.”

Over the last few decades, research also confirmed the superpower of a smile: smiling makes us more attractive, it makes other people smile back (try to look with a poker face at a smiling baby ☺), and it makes us feel good because of the endorphins and serotonin release.

Carnegie adds:

“Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless – that there is joy in the world.”

So lets smile a lot more! And be happy 🙂

Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

William James

Carnegie says that if you learn how to make other people feel important, you can “get anybody to do anything”. All of us would like to be respected and to feel important. To feel that our opinion and life matter. From a very early age! And it is a foundation of our self-esteem.

By making others feel that way, you are conveying a powerful message: YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

And here is a simple trick: if we want other people to treat us with respect and take us seriously, we need to start treating others the same way firstly. The whole journey begins with us!

And it’s a strong message to parents – if you want your child to cooperate and treat you with respect, start treating the same way your child. Danish family therapist and bestselling author Jesper Juul talks a lot about it in his work (notes are coming).

One of the best ways to put this principle into practice – give honest and sincere appreciation.

“Let’s cease thinking about our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime – repeat them years after you have forgotten them.”

When you show your sincere appreciation to someone, his/her self-esteem goes through the roof. It makes this person feel good and ready to reciprocate. But it’s crucial to distinguish FLATTERY from honest, sincere APPRECIATION. Flattery is based on manipulative, and often selfish reasons vs. appreciation comes from the heart out and focuses on the other person’s good side. It is a form of gratitude and skill that people must acquire if they would like to LEAD others. And gratitude is boosting our own happiness level as well (so win-win situation here).

When you express sincere appreciation toward others, you build a strong foundation for a deep relationship. But let’s give feedback only from the heart and never to gain something in return. Powerful stuff! Works amazingly with children!

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

“Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued”

As a leader, you would greatly benefit from developing your people (or children). Carnegie’s tip: give direction, but not exactly the way to get to the result. By giving suggestion, encouragement to think and be part of the process, you give people (or your children) the opportunity to do things themselves and learn from their mistakes (Growth Mindset style). Also, the end result could be beyond your expectations. Coaching in action!

And it is a great way to help others (especially children) develop good decision-making skills and agency. It also encourages cooperation and raises children’s self-esteem. Again, a win-win situation.

So let’s say more: “You may consider this” or “Do you think that would work?”

Praise the slightest improvement

“Why, I wonder, don’t we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why don’t we use meant instead of whip? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep improving.”

Improvement requires consistency and motivation. If we improve one smallest thing every day, for the whole life… where would we be at the end? +1 for marginal gains ☺ Praising a person for the slightest improvement (aka progress) and focusing our attention on positive aspects motivates that person to keep going towards the end goal and eventually become better.

A very powerful lesson for parents – if you would like your child to change a particular behaviour, it would be more efficient to praise small steps towards that behaviour rather than pointing out the undesired behaviour. For example, you want to teach your child to tidy up the room before bedtime. You can start by praising the smallest step towards this behaviour: “great, you put a car away exactly as I’ve asked you to do”. Even if the rest of the room is still a bit messy – the child would pick up the right behaviour with a time. Avoid the negative comments like: “How many times I’ve asked you to clean up your room? It’s still a mess!”.

So as Dale Carnegie said, let’s “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.” Be “Hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

Simply create a journey of your life, full of marginal gains towards pursuing your goals.

Action steps for you:

• Be present – practice active listening and giving full attention
• Treat others with respect and make them feel important (practice on your children)
• Smile more and invest in raising your happiness level (it’s contagious!)

Favourite quotes from the book: