We have three little boys. Each of them has a unique character and a distinctive set of strengths. And although they are very different, we have the same vision for them – we want them to grow into happy, responsible and resilient adults who can navigate their way toward authentic success. And this vision affects hundreds of little decisions we make each day.
That’s what experts call Parenting With The End in Mind. It is based on the scientifically-valid wisdom that we are formed into adults by our childhood experiences. From this perspective, effective parenting, in its essence, is all about creating experiences that will help children develop critical skills and character traits to live a productive and fulfilled life. It is a powerful idea that every parent should keep in mind.
Parenting with the end in mind starts with one fundamental question:
What is important to you – what do you want in “the end”?
Now. “The End” is a rather complex concept. It’s not a specific destination but rather a set of different destinations – a long road with big milestones of life events and inspirational stories along the way. To imagine this abstract “The End”, you need to reflect on two things:
- Who do you want your children to become (values you want them to have, character traits, mindset, etc.)?
- Which parent do you need to become to make this happen?
Once you put this in your mind and on paper, it will be easier for you to create a roadmap to navigate through your parenting journey and everyday decisions. That’s where wise parenting starts from.
“No, you can’t have just ice-cream for dinner,” as I want you to develop healthy eating habits and provide your body with vital nutrients for your development.
“No, you can’t hit your brother when he brakes your Lego tower,” because I want you to learn how to manage big feelings without hurting others and solve conflicts without violence.
“We don’t put our feet on the table,” I want you to have good manners and respect others.
“It’s ok, if you want to be an artist and not a doctor like me,” because I want you to follow your own path and develop your strengths.
You get the point.
Parenting with the end in mind gives you the courage to be the real (transformational) leader your children need.
Parenting with the end in mind exercise
Most parents want their children to be happy and successful. And that’s an excellent goal to aim for. However, to parent with the end in mind, you need to take it to the next level and clearly articulate what it means.
While working on our family manifesto, I went through the exercise from Hal Runkel’s great book Screamfree Parenting, which I found very useful. Hal refers to one of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – “Begin with the end in mind” (you can check out our notes on his great book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families where he approaches this principle from the family perspective) and offers a set of question to reflect on:
“Begin by relocating yourself to a quiet place, isolated from the noise and clutter of kids, spouses, housework, and television. Now begin to picture your youngest child at the age of twenty-five. What year is it? How old does that make each of your other children? How old does that make you? After you’ve done the math, allow yourself to get really imaginative. I want you to think about each of your children and ponder your ideal for the following questions.
Allow yourself to truly long for this ideal, how you would love it to be, in each of these areas:
- Are your children married? For how long?
- How would you rate their marriages?
- Do they have children? How would you rate your children as parents?
- Do they have college degrees? Master’s degrees?
- What was their major? What do they do for work?
- How much money do they make? Do they work for a large corporation, or do they have an entrepreneurial vision?
These might be the most important questions:
- What is the content of their character?
- What do their friends and spouses say about them?
- Their bosses and coworkers?
- How self-sufficient are they? What is their decision-making process?
- How well do they take responsibility for their choices?
- Are they physically healthy and active? How well do they take care of their bodies?
- What are your grown children’s deepest values? How do they contribute to society?
- How do they carry themselves around others?
- How do they spend their alone time?
- What are their spiritual beliefs, and how do those beliefs shape their worldview?
Now the tough part. Recall again how old you’ll be at this point. Start to imagine your future.
- Are you married? How do you rate your romantic relationship?
- How healthy are you physically? How well do you take care of your body?
- Where do you live? Are you still working, or have you retired? How do you spend your days?
- How have you grown and matured?
Now focus on your relationship with your kids.
- How often do you see your grown children? What type of relationship do you have with them? Are you close? Distant? At each other’s throats? Too close for comfort?
- How much respect do you and your children have for each other as individuals? Are you still waiting for one of your children to grow up?
- Do you still support them financially? Do any of them still live under your roof? Do you live under one of theirs?
- How would you rate yourself as a grandparent?
- Are your grown children inspired by you, your success and your maturity? How do they talk about you to their spouses, their friends, their children?”
Although most of the questions popped up in various discussions with my husband over the last few years, I found going through them one more time to be a very powerful exercise. It helped us a lot to shape our Family Manifesto.
I must admit I did substantial research on how children succeed, and it significantly influenced my answers here. If you would like to dig deeper into the science of child development and positive psychology, I would suggest going through the following resources:
- How Children Succeed by Paul Tough (get the book | read our notes)
- Teach Your Children Well by Madeline Levine (get the book | read our notes)
- Mind in the Making by Ellen Galinsky (get the book | read our notes)
- Mindset by Carol Dweck (get the book | read our notes)
- Grit by Angela Duckworth (get the book | read our notes)
- Flourish by Martin Seligman (get the book | read our notes)
- The Strength Switch by Lea Waters (get the book | read our notes)
- You, Your Child and School by Ken Robinson (get the book | read our notes)
And one final thought here – always remember that we aren’t raising children. We already have children. We are raising adults.
Begin with the end in mind.
Loads of love,
Irina
