Parenting has a sneaky way of pushing all your buttons – sometimes all at once. One second you’re calmly making breakfast, feeling like a grounded, mindful adult. The next? You’re barking threats about lost shoes, yelling at tiny humans who are now slowly joining in on your tantrum, and then – you guessed it – drowning in guilt five minutes later.
Sound familiar?
That emotional rollercoaster is exactly why self-regulation isn’t just a “nice to have”—it’s the survival skill that keeps you from losing your mind (and your voice).
I didn’t come to this insight gracefully. I turned to parenting books because, honestly, I was a walking emotional landmine. Bedtime battles? Boom – there went my patience. A child refusing to wear a jacket in the snow? Detonation. Morning routine dragging on like a three-act play? Full-blown meltdown – mine, not theirs.
My goal was not to float through life on lotus petals. I just wanted to stop feeling hijacked by my emotions and start responding like the parent I actually wanted to be. Learning to pause, breathe, and choose my reaction changed everything -not just in how I parent, but in how I show up for myself.
In my article Step-by-Step Guide to Proactive Parenting, I shared a six-step plan to help you stop reacting and start leading. Today, I want to zoom in on one of the most game-changing tools I discovered along the way: a five-step self-regulation framework that can help you become more mindful, more present, and a whole lot less shouty.
Let’s dive in.
The Five Steps of Self-Regulation
These steps draw on insights from one of my all-time favourite books – Stuart Shanker’s Help Your Child Deal With Stress—and Thrive. Although the book centres mostly on children’s stress, its strategies apply equally to us as parents.
After all, we can’t teach what we haven’t mastered.
1. Notice Your Stress Signals
Stress triggers our fight-or-flight mode. Everything from a child’s tantrum to spilled milk can set us off. Start by observing your body’s early warning signs:
- Racing heart or shallow breathing
- Clenched jaw, fists, or muscles
- Sweaty palms or irritability
Try this: When you feel tension bubbling, take a moment to name the sensation in your mind (“My heart feels tight”). Acknowledging these signals gives you a chance to step in before you explode.
2. Identify Your Stressors
Ask yourself, “Why now?” It’s tempting to blame the immediate trigger, but often the real stressor lurks beneath the surface. Shanker outlines five domains that drain our energy:
- Biological: Lack of sleep, poor nutrition, or overstimulation.
- Emotional: Unprocessed feelings – anger, anxiety, even excitement.
- Cognitive: Mental overload and information fatigue.
- Social: Interpersonal tension or unresolved conflicts.
- Pro-social: The drain of empathising with others’ worries and needs.
Sometimes our stress responses are echoes from our own childhood. Curious? Check out my article Break the Cycle: How to Rewire Your Reactions and Become a Calmer Parent.
3. Reduce the Stressors
Once you pinpoint your stressors, take targeted actions like:
- Biological: Prioritize sleep – set a consistent bedtime. Quick wins could include a calming nighttime routine or a power nap when you can (you can try NSDR protocol – it changed my life).
- Emotional: Name the feeling (“I’m frustrated that…”), trace its source, and let it pass by journaling or speaking with a friend.
- Cognitive: Break big tasks into bite-size steps. Use lists or timers to manage attention.
- Social/Pro-social: Set gentle boundaries – practice saying, “I need a moment to recharge – and then check in later.”
Foundational self-care – adequate sleep, nutrition, and movement – underpins all these efforts. Seriously.
4. Build Self-Awareness
Self-regulation starts with one key thing: knowing what calm actually feels like. If your daily life feels like a constant state of high alert, it’s easy to miss when stress sneaks back in. That’s where mindfulness comes in – it’s not just a buzzword, it’s your ticket to calm parenting.
One practice I keep coming back to is Dr. Dan Siegel’s SIFT technique from his brilliant book Mindsight. It helps me pause and check in with myself before the chaos takes over. Here’s how it works:
- Sensations – What’s happening in your body right now? Tight jaw? Racing heart?
- Images – Are any mental pictures or flashes popping up?
- Feelings – What emotions are bubbling under the surface?
- Thoughts – What stories or beliefs are looping in your mind?
Regular check-ins like this train your awareness, so you can catch the emotional drift before it turns into a full-blown tidal wave.
5. Choose Your Calming Strategies
No single tool works for everyone. Experiment to discover what truly soothes you. My top three strategies are:
- Breathwork: Box breathing or The Physiological Sigh breathing technique from Andrew Huberman (it really works).
- Movement: A brisk walk (solo!), a quick run (my favourite), or gentle yoga stretches.
- Mantras: A short phrases like, “Peace begins with me,” “I’ve got this,” or Dr Becky’s “I’m a good parent having a hard time,” repeated silently.
The key is practicing these when you’re calm, so they’re available when you’re not. Over time, you’ll build a personalized toolkit geared to your needs.
The Bottom Line
Self-regulation is one of those quiet superpowers that completely changed the way I parent – and honestly, made my whole life feel easier. These days, every pause before reacting, every deep breath in the middle of chaos, helps me lead with presence instead of pressure (most of the time, anyway – I’m still human!).
And the best part? I’m watching my kids get better and better at managing their own emotions – just by seeing it modelled in real life, day in and day out.
So, ready to give it a try?
Start small: notice your stress signals, journal about what’s draining your energy, or take a two-minute breathing break (bonus points if you’re not hiding in the pantry while doing it). Tiny steps, big shifts. Keep going, and you might just find yourself navigating the parenting storm like a calm, confident ninja – with a well-earned, smug little smile.
Loads of love,
Irina
