The Tools. Book Summary
5 life-changing techniques to unlock your potential
Phil Stutz and Barry Michels
Vermilion; First U. S. Edition First Printing edition (29 May 2012)
About the authors:
Phil Stutz graduated from City College in New York and received his MD from New York University. He worked as a prison psychiatrist on Rikers Island and then in private practice in New York before moving his practice to Los Angeles in 1982.
Barry Michels has a BA from Harvard, a law degree from the University of California, Berkeley, and an MSW from the University of Southern California. He has been in private practice as a psychotherapist in Los Angeles since 1986.
Both Phil and Barry have over 60 years of psychotherapeutic experience between them. Together they have helped their A-list clients work through whatever has held them back – be it insecurity, trauma, anger, lack of willpower, negativity or avoidance – and achieve their greatest work and find a deep level of fulfilment.
About the book:
“What if every bad thing that’s ever happened to you–including every problem you’ve ever had–was there, in your life, to get you in touch with abilities you never knew you had?”
In the book, Phil Stutz and Barry Michels (both are impressively well-educated and accomplished professionals in the fields of psychiatry and psychotherapy) bring forward a new approach to self-help.
This book is written in a way that connects you not just to the tools or strategies they share but to the authors themselves. They include many personal stories, triumphs and failures in regards to how they have used the tools in their own lives and work. It also gives you an insight into the authors’ spiritual approach to the world and psychotherapy. They bring a concept of “Higher Forces”, which will help you to unlock your true potential and become a creator:
“To help you become a creator, the book has to do more than convey ideas; it has to awaken higher forces inside you. To keep those forces vital, you will have to use the tools long after you finish reading it—in fact, for the rest of your life. That’s our ultimate goal: for you to maintain an unending relationship with higher forces. Call us crazy, but nothing less will satisfy us. And if you aspire to be a creator, nothing less will satisfy you.”
We personally LOVED the book and use the tools all the time. And we are definitely recommending it to anyone who looks for practical tips on how to ulock your potential and live your best life.
So let’s have a quick look at the tools and talk about the Creator Concept (btw, it is the North Star in our parenting approach).
Key ideas from the book:
Why do we need the tools?
“A change in attitude won’t stop you from screaming because attitudes can’t control behavior; they’re not strong enough. To control behavior you need a specific procedure to use at a specific time to combat a specific problem. That’s what a tool is. … The point is that a tool—unlike an attitude adjustment—requires you to do something. Not only does it take work, it’s work you have to do over and over again—every time you get frustrated. A new attitude means nothing unless followed by a change in behavior. The surest way to change behavior is with a tool.”
Our attitude and desire to change our lives and behaviour are important. But it’s not enough. To see the positive changes in our lives, we need to take action consistently. And this is what the tools help us to do.
Our lives are about ups and downs, so we would all face problems and pain. And if we use the practical tools to powerfully face the common challenges of life, we will consistently connect to something bigger than ourselves (“higher forces”, as authors call it) that’ll help us move forward in life and achieve our full potential.
The tools
The book gives you five powerful tools. Each solves a different type of challenge and is associated with a different “Higher Force.” Here they are:
Tool #1: The Reversal of Desire
The Higher Force: Forward Motion
“Life provides endless possibilities, but along with them comes pain. If you can’t tolerate pain, you can’t be fully alive.”
We all tend to avoid emotional pain. But this approach, in fact, limits our potential. If we want to live our best lives, we need to “reverse our desire” and get out of our Comfort Zone. Rather than trying to avoid pain, we need to discipline ourselves to get excited about the challenges in our lives. That’s the only way to break through to our infinite potential.
As old saying goes: “No pain, no gain.”
And remember – the cost of pain avoidance is a regret that you’ve wasted your life.
So next time when you have to do something uncomfortable, and you feel fear or resistance (or you just THINK about doing something painful or difficult), do following:
“1. Focus on the pain you are avoiding; see it appear in front of you as a cloud. Silently scream, “Bring it on!” to demand the pain; you want it because it has great value.
2. Scream silently, “I love pain!” as you keep moving forward. Move so deeply into the pain you’re at one with it.
3. Feel the cloud spit you out and close behind you. Say inwardly, “Pain sets me free!” As you leave the clouds, feel yourself propelled forward into a realm of pure light.”
P.S.: that is a great tool to practice growth mindset 🙂 Bring it on! I love challenges!
Tool #2: Active Love
The Higher Force: Outflow
Often we get stuck in a mental “Maze” in our heads – we just keep ruminating and thinking again and again and again about all the things someone has done/said that annoyed us. That’s just a waste of time and your mental energy – “When you are in the Maze, life passes you by.”
We want to invite our mindfulness to notice when we’re stuck in the maze and get out of it. So next time when you are really angry with someone or just preparing yourself to confront a difficult person, do this:
“1. Concentration: Feel your heart expand to encompass the world of infinite love surrounding you. When your heart contracts back to normal size, it concentrates all this love inside your chest.
2. Transmission: Send all the love from your chest to the other person, holding nothing back.
3. Penetration: when the love enters the other person, don’t just watch, feel it enter; sense a oneness with them. Then relax and feel all the energy you gave away return to you.”
That is a fantastic tool that every parent should have in their parenting toolbox. Works magic when you are just about to lose your sh*t with your child or get emotionally reactive.
Tool #3: Inner Authority
The Higher Force: Self-Expression
“We think we know what makes us insecure—our appearance, level of education, or socio-economic status—but it’s really something deep inside: the Shadow. It embodies all the negative traits we fear someone will see in us, so we spend a lot of time and energy hiding it.”
We all have the Shadow – the part of us that we most despise and prefer to hide from the world. But without integrating our weaknesses and insecurities, we can’t fully trust ourselves and express ourselves with authority. Next time when you feel performance anxiety (e.g. have to deliver a presentation or a speech, talk to your boss about a pay rise, maybe even attending a networking event or joining a new group of people), do this:
“1. Imagine yourself standing in front of an audience (could be one or thousands of people). Ignore the audience and focus completely on the Shadow. Feel an unbreakable bond between the two of you—as a unit you are fearless.
2. Together, you and the Shadow forcefully turn toward the audience and silently command them to “LISTEN!” Feel the authority that comes when you and your Shadow speak with one voice.”
Tool #4: The Grateful Flow
The Higher Force: The Source
“When your mind is filled with worry, self-hatred, or any other form of negative thinking, you’ve been taken over by the Black Cloud. It limits what you can do with your life and deprives your loved ones of what is best about you. Life becomes a struggle to survive instead of the fulfillment of great promise.”
Feeling depressed, overwhelmed and like you are surrounded by the Black Cloud? It’s time to connect to the Source by getting your grateful Flow on.
We know that gratitude is scientifically proven to boost our mood and improve our happiness (e.g. check out our notes on the best positive psychology books: The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Flourish by Martin Seligman, Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar). But Stutz and Michels take it to the next level and make conjuring gratitude a fine art.
Negative thoughts have great power. They are actually much more powerful than positive thoughts. Therefore, it is crucial to discipline your mind to always see the amazing things in your life. So next time when your mind starts concentrating on negative thoughts, do this:
“1. Silently say to yourself specific things in your life you’re grateful for, particularly items you’d normally take for granted. Go slowly and feel the gratitude for each item. Don’t use the same items repeatedly—stretch for new ones.
2. After about 30 seconds, stop thinking and focus on the physical sensation of gratefulness. You’ll feel it coming directly from your heart. This energy you feel is the Grateful Flow.
3. As this energy emanates from your heart, your chest will soften and open. In this state you will feel an overwhelming presence approach you, filled with the power of infinite giving. You’ve made a connection to the Source.”
Feels really good. You can also schedule some time to practice the Grateful Flow daily – e.g. when you wake up, before bed, during lunch, etc.
Tool #5: Jeopardy
The Higher Force: Willpower
“When you think you’ve “arrived,” you’ll stop using The Tools. You’ll also stop using them when you fail or are demoralized. This Tool gives you the willpower to get yourself back in the game.”
All those Tools are super awesome, but we need to make it a habit to use them every day. We need to work hard to get to a new level. We need a strong willpower if we want to actualize: “Willpower is the missing link in reaching human potential”.
This tool is the most important to generate a “permanent source of jeopardy”, which will help you show up from moment to moment. Your time is limited! It will give you a sense of purpose and that your future is in your hands. You’ll get immediate access to your “WHY” ☺ So next time you feel that you need to use a tool, but kind of don’t feel like that (can’t find any motivation), do this:
“See yourself lying on your deathbed. Having run out of time, this older self screams at you not to waste the present moment. You feel a deep, hidden fear that you’ve been squandering your life. This creates and urgent desire to use whichever basic Tool you need at that moment.”
Powerful! Reminds of one of Stephen Covey’s one of the habits of highly effective people: “Begin with the end in mind” ☺
Check out more goodness at The Tools website – there are more tools and loads of insightful and highly practical blog posts. For example, I use “The Vortex” tool when feel totally exhausted and overwhelmed – it really works (another useful tool for the parenting toolbox!).
That was a quick look at the tools – which one(s) will you use today?
The Consumer vs The Creator
“The consumer expects a reward for the slightest effort—or better, for no effort at all. He cares only about what he gets from the world, not about what he might add to it. Living on the surface, jumping from thing to thing, his energy is diffused, like milk spreading across a tabletop. He makes no impact on the world; when his time on earth is over, it’s as if he never lived. The creator won’t accept that fate. Everything he does is with the intention of making an impact on the world. His code ensures this: He doesn’t accept the world as he finds it; he brings things into the world that aren’t already there. He doesn’t follow the herd; he sets his own course. He ignores the reactions of others. He resists superficial distractions. He remains focused on his goals even if he has to sacrifice his immediate gratification. Anyone can live by this code, but very few of us do. It means putting your life in the service of higher forces. These forces can’t be found on the surface of life; they’re found in its depths. The creator’s energy must have the singular focus of a drill boring through stone. As difficult as that is, a creator is rewarded many times over for his efforts.”
We are surrounded by a consumer culture, which often blocks our creative power.
The tools give you an opportunity to become a creator. To unlock your creative power, you must express yourself and who you really are. This power is not a gift given to you by God. It is something which has to come from you.
The creators see failures, challenges and pain as opportunities to exercise a “godlike creativity”. They become fearless. And truly happy.
“This ongoing sense that problems are meaningful is a fundamental difference between a consumer and a creator. A consumer feels that life is only meaningful when his needs are being gratified. Problems, because they are ungratifying, inevitably destroy the consumer’s sense of purpose. In contrast, a creator has a sense of meaning that can’t be destroyed – he insists on seeing problems as driving him toward something better, something higher than himself. Far from destroying his sense of meaning, problems actually reinforce it.”
Love this idea. That perfectly links to Csikszentmihalyi’s idea of autotelic personality. An autotelic self is actively taking control of his life and using every minute to grow. He is a creator in constant Flow ☺
So are you a creator or a consumer? How can you move to a creator mindset? As a parent, are you raising a creator or a consumer?
Quotes from the book:
great – thanks