About Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté

Dr. Gordon Neufeld is a renowned clinical psychologist with over 45 years of experience specializing in child and youth development. As a best-selling author of Hold On to Your Kids and an international speaker, he is widely respected for his ability to clarify complex developmental issues and inspire meaningful change. Through the Neufeld Institute, he has dedicated two decades to creating impactful courses that empower parents, teachers, and professionals to nurture children’s growth and well-being.

Dr. Gabor Maté is a celebrated speaker and bestselling author known worldwide for his expertise on addiction, stress, and childhood development. He has authored acclaimed books such as In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, When the Body Says No, and Scattered Minds, which have been translated into over thirty languages.

About The Book

“The secret of parenting is not in what a parent does but rather who the parent is to a child. When a child seeks contact and closeness with us, we become empowered as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher, or a coach. For a child well attached to us, we are her home base from which to venture into the world, her retreat to fall back to, her fountainhead of inspiration. All the parenting skills in the world cannot compensate for a lack of attachment relationship. All the love in the world cannot get through without the psychological umbilical cord created by the child’s attachment.

The attachment relationship of child to parent needs to last at least as long as a child needs to be parented. That is what is becoming more difficult in today’s world. Parents haven’t changed —they haven’t become less competent or less devoted. The fundamental nature of children has also not changed — they haven’t become less dependent or more resistant.

What has changed is the culture in which we are rearing our children.

Children’s attachments to parents are no longer getting the support required from culture and society. Even parent-child relationships that at the beginning are powerful and fully nurturing can become undermined as our children move out into a world that no longer appreciates or reinforces the attachment bond. Children are increasingly forming attachments that compete with their parents, with the result that the proper context for parenting is less and less available to us. It is not a lack of love or of parenting know-how but the erosion of the attachment context that makes our parenting ineffective.”

If you Google “best parenting books,” Hold On To Your Kids almost always tops the list. Funny enough, I kept putting it off for ages – maybe because the library queue was endless, or maybe because the book looked a bit intimidating in size. (Honestly, probably both.) Then one day, I discovered my kids had secretly subscribed to Audible through Alexa, and I realized I had three credits just waiting to be used. That was the push I needed to finally dive in.

Now, I’m a big fan of Dr. Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté’s work, and this book did not disappoint. Hold On To Your Kids digs deep into the idea called peer orientation, explaining why parental presence matters in a child’s life far longer than most of us realise. It reveals how the parent-child relationship and attachment form the foundation for healthy growth, emotional maturity, and well-being.

Packed with eye-opening insights, real-life stories, and relatable examples, this book is a must-read for any parent – especially if you’re worried about the influence of your teen’s friend group.

There’s so much wisdom here that it’s impossible to cover it all in one summary. But I’ll share some of the key takeaways that really stood out to me. Still, I highly recommend grabbing your own copy to get the full experience.

Ready? Let’s dive in!

P.S. I recently watched Dr. Neufeld’s TED talk and loved it – if you want a quick intro to his ideas, it’s definitely worth checking out:

Key Insights

The Culture Of Peer Orientation

“The chief and most damaging of the competing attachments that undermine parenting authority and parental love is the increasing bonding of our children with their peers. It is the thesis of this book that the disorder affecting the generations of young children and adolescents now heading toward adulthood is rooted in the lost orientation of children toward the nurturing adults in their lives. Far from seeking to establish yet one more medical-psychological disorder here —the last thing today’s bewildered parents need — we are using the word disorder in its most basic sense: a disruption of the natural order of things. For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modelling, and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers, and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role —their own peers. They are not manageable, teachable, or maturing because they no longer take their cues from adults. Instead, children are being brought up by immature persons who cannot possibly guide them to maturity. They are being brought up by each other.

The term that seems to fit more than any other for this phenomenon is peer orientation. It is peer orientation that has muted our parenting instincts, eroded our natural authority, and caused us to parent not from the heart but from the head —from manuals, the advice of “experts,” and the confused expectations of society.”

Peer orientation is central to the message of Hold On To Your Kids. Neufeld and Maté identify it as one of the most significant challenges modern parents face – one that blocks healthy child development and maturation, and fuels ongoing conflict in families.

Get this. For centuries, children in cultures worldwide were deeply attached to the adults around them – parents, grandparents, teachers, and other members of the “attachment village.” These adults served as a secure base, guiding and orienting children as they learned essential life skills, absorbed cultural values, and gradually matured into adulthood. Adults acted as a compass, showing by example what it means to be a mature, responsible person.

And these days? Due to various societal changes – such as frequent relocations, dual-working parents, and daily stressors – many children lose their strong attachments to adults in their life. But they instinctively seek orientation; kids need someone to guide them on how to behave, what values to hold, and how to navigate life. When this adult connection weakens or disappears, children look elsewhere – most often to their peers – to fill this vital need for guidance and belonging.

The problem is that peers are not equipped to serve as a compass. They are, by nature, immature themselves and lack the experience and wisdom required to raise one another. Instead, peer groups develop their own culture, values, and behavioural norms (often unhealthy or counterproductive). When a child becomes peer-oriented, attaching more strongly to peers than to adults, it leads to increased conflict, misbehaviour, bullying, and mental health struggles.

Parents lose their influence because with attachment they lose the relationships with their kids. No amount of parenting techniques can compensate when a child has shifted their primary attachment from adult to peer.

The antidote? Parent from the heart and restore the natural attachment.

Attachment Is At The Core of Good Parenting

“Attachment is at the core of our being, but as such it is also far removed from consciousness. In this sense, it is like the brain itself: the deeper into it one goes, the less consciousness one finds. We like to see ourselves as creatures with intellect: Homo sapiens we call our species, “man who knows.” And yet the thinking part of our brain is only a thin layer, while a much larger part of our cerebral circuitry is devoted to the psychological dynamics that serve attachment. This apparatus, which has been aptly called the “attachment brain,” is where our unconscious emotions and instincts reside. We humans share this part of our brain with many other creatures, but we alone have the capacity to become conscious of the attachment process.

In the psychological life of the developing young human being-and for many grown-ups, too, if we’re honest about it — attachment is what matters most. For children, it’s an absolute need. Unable to function on their own, they must attach to an adult. Physical attachment in the womb is necessary until our offspring are viable enough to be born. Likewise, our children must be attached to us emotionally until they are capable of standing on their own two feet, able to think for themselves and to determine their own direction.”

Good parenting always starts with secure attachment. If we want to raise happy, confident, and resilient kids, nurturing that attachment throughout childhood and adolescence isn’t optional – it’s essential.

This is the foundation of parenting from the heart. It brings to mind the wisdom of Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in The Power of Showing Up: 

“The longitudinal research on child development clearly demonstrates that one of the very best predictors for how any child turns out – in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success – is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them.”

No matter how old your children are, they need something to hold on to. They need you – not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically – to guide them into adulthood.

How to Collect Children in 4 Steps

“At the very top of our agenda we must place the task of collecting our children —of drawing them under our wing, making them want to belong to us and with us. We can no longer assume, as parents in older days could, that a strong early bond between ourselves and our children will endure for as long as we need it. No matter how great our love or how well intentioned our parenting, under present circumstances we have less margin for error than parents ever had before. We face too much competition. To compensate for the cultural chaos of our times, we need to make a habit of collecting our children daily and repeatedly until they are old enough to function as independent beings.”

Let’s be honest: just being the parent and providing food and shelter isn’t enough to keep your child securely attached. The connection doesn’t magically stay strong without effort. That’s where collecting your children comes in – a daily, conscious practice of connecting deeply so your kids want to belong with you.

Here are the four steps to make it happen:

1. Get in their space (in a friendly way).

Physically connect by getting down to their level, making eye contact, and adding a gentle touch. For older kids, join their world – ask about that show they’re watching or the game they’re playing. Show genuine interest.

2. Give them something to hold on to.

Offer attention and warmth – a soft smile, a twinkle in your eye, a comforting hug. These emotional “strings” are what kids need to hold on to you. Let them know they’re accepted unconditionally, that they matter, and that they’re truly enjoyed. Even a small token, like a charm or key ring, can be a meaningful symbol they can hold onto.

3. Invite dependence.

“The secret of a parent’s power is in the dependence of the child. Children are born completely dependent, unable to make their own way in this world. Their lack of viability as separate beings makes them utterly reliant on others for being taken care of, for guidance and direction, for support and approval, for a sense of home and belonging. It is the child’s state of dependence that makes parenting necessary in the first place. If our children didn’t need us, we would not need the power to parent.”

While independence is important, creating moments where your child depends on you reinforces your role as their safe base and guide.

4. Be their compass.

Help your child make sense of the world and their place in it. Talk about what’s coming up – weekend plans, daily expectations, how things work. And remind them who they are: “You have a special way of…” or “You are the kind of kid who…” These words anchor their identity and show them they matter.

Question for you: Which of these steps can you practice today? I’m focusing on being the compass point for my kids this week and already seeing the difference!

Prioritise Relationship With Your Child

“No matter what problem or issue we face in parenting, our relationship with our children should be the highest priority. Children do not experience our intentions, no matter how heartfelt. They experience what we manifest in tone and behavior. We cannot assume that children will know what our priorities are: we must live our priorities.”

Tattoo this on your brain. Make it your new parenting mantra: “Prioritise the relationship.” And really mean it. That’s the foundation of unconditional love – no matter what happens, your relationship with your child is what truly matters the most.

And guess what? Secure relationship with your child is the best antidot to peer orientation.

P.S.: this chapter reminded me Paul Dix’s wisdom in his brilliant book When Parent Change, Everything Changes – check out our book notes to explore ideas on how to build habits for strong relationship with your child.

Provide Structure For Your Child

“We need to build structures that restrict the things that would take our children away from us and, at the same time, allow us to collect our children. The rules and restrictions should apply to television, computer, telephone, Internet, electronic games, and extracurricular activities. […]

The use of structure and routine is a powerful way of imposing order on a child’s world, and thus on the child’s behavior. The less receptive a child is to other modes of discipline, the more we need to compensate by structuring the child’s life. Structures create a child’s environment in a predictable fashion, imposing some needed ritual and routine. That has been one of the traditional functions of culture, but as customs and traditions are eroded, life becomes less structured, more chaotic. In such an atmosphere, children who are developmentally immature become unglued. Parents react by becoming more prescriptive and coercive. The combination is disastrous.

Structures need to be created for meals and for bedtimes, for separations and for reunions, for hygiene and for putting things away, for family interaction and closeness, for practice and for homework, for emergent, self-directed play and for creative solitude. Good structures do not draw attention to themselves or the underlying agenda, and they minimize bossing and coercion. Good structures are not only restrictions, they are creative.”

Such an important parenting tip.Want parenting to be easier? Create structures. Set loving limits and boundaries – and be consequent.

Chaos is often overwhelming. And kids thrive in order. Parents as well.

Seven Principles of Natural Discipline

“These seven principles of natural discipline could just as well be entitled seven disciplines for parents. They involve bringing oneself under control and working systematically toward a goal. Our ability to manage a child effectively is very much an outcome of our capacity to manage ourselves. We need to find the same compassion for ourselves that we wish to extend to our child.”

I’ve re-read this chapter a few times – it’s so good. Make these principles your compass – print them out, include in your Commandments of Parenting list, but most importantly practice them:

Use Connection, Not Separation, to Bring a Child into Line

When a child misbehaves, the impulse might be to isolate or punish them, but this only damages the attachment bond. Instead, connect first, correct second.

When Problem Occur, Work the Relationship, Not the Incident  

Instead of rushing to correct a child’s misbehaviour during emotional upset, parents should focus first on preserving connection and managing their own emotions to maintain trust. Once calm and secure in the relationship, they can revisit the behaviour thoughtfully, ensuring discipline is effective without damaging the parent-child bond.

When Things Aren’t Working for The Child, Draw Out the Tears Instead of Trying to Teach a Lesson

Kids have a lot to learn – how to share, deal with disappointment, accept limits, and handle hearing “no.” But these lessons don’t come from lectures or punishments; they happen when kids hit a wall of “this just won’t work” and finally let go of what they can’t control. As parents, our job is to gently but firmly show them those limits, then stick close to help them move through their frustration to sadness. That’s a big part of Dr Becky’s philosophy in Good Inside.

Solicit Good Intentions Instead of Demanding Good Behaviour

By nurturing connection and gently encouraging children to choose positive intentions – like asking “Can I count on you?” instead of ordering, we empower them to want to do the right thing, making real change happen from the inside out.

Draw Out the Mixed Feelings Instead of Trying to Stop Impulsive Behaviour

Telling a child to “stop it” when they’re acting impulsively is like trying to halt a freight train – it doesn’t work because their behaviour is driven by instinct and emotion, not conscious choice (well, the authors of The Whole-Brain Child explain it from the neuroscience perspective). Instead of confrontation, the key is to gently bring out the child’s mixed feelings – like affection or concern – that can balance and temper those impulses, helping them develop true self-control from within while strengthening your connection.

When Dealing With Impulsive Child, Try Scripting the Desired Behaviour Instead of Demanding Maturity

Not all children are developmentally ready to regulate themselves or understand how their behaviour affects others, so expecting mature responses from them can lead to frustration and shame. Instead, parents can “script” their behaviour by giving clear, positive cues and modelling the actions they want to see – helping kids navigate social situations safely until their maturity naturally catches up.

When Unable to Change the Child, Try Changing the Child’s World

When traditional discipline fails, try letting go of futile attempts to control the child, gaining insight into what provokes their reactions, and thoughtfully altering those circumstances. I must say, Help Your Child Deal With Stress – and Thrive by Stuart Shanker gives a great strategies on how to do it!

Just gold!

Build Your Attachment Village

“Only in the context of an attachment village can we create homes for our children in the truest sense. Both home and the village are created by attachment. What makes the village a village is the connections among the people. Connections also make the home, whether they be to the home itself or to the people in it. We truly feel “at home” only with those we are attached to.

Only when a child is at home with those responsible for him can his developmental potential be fully realized. Helping children feel at home with the adults we entrust them to is one and the same task as creating a village of attachments for them to grow up in.”

As the saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.” If you don’t have that village around you, it’s essential to build one –  a community of trusted adults who can serve as reliable attachment figures, inspiring, guiding, and supporting the children in your care. 

This chapter resonated deeply with me, and I’m truly grateful to be part of such a strong village, watching my kids thrive with these meaningful connections.

Action Steps For You

1. Prioritise Relationship with Your Child

Building a strong, secure attachment is the cornerstone of effective parenting. Focus on connecting emotionally and physically every day. Be the safe place your child can always return to, especially when they’re upset. When your child feels deeply connected to you, they are more open to guidance, less likely to turn to peers for direction, and more resilient in the face of challenges.

2. Build Your Attachment Village

Create a “village” of trusted people – family, friends, mentors – who can provide additional support, guidance, and positive role models. This network not only enriches your child’s development but also lightens your load, offering practical and emotional resources along the way.

3. Practice the Seven Principles of Natural Discipline

Effective discipline starts with connection, empathy, and self-control rather than punishment or control tactics. Practice the seven principles of natural discipline to help foster internal motivation and emotional maturity, creating boundaries without damaging the relationships.

Quotes From The Book

“Just as a magnet turns automatically toward the North Pole, so children have an inborn need to find their bearings by turning toward a source of authority, contact, and warmth.“

“Children do not experience our intentions, no matter how heartfelt. They experience what we manifest in tone and behavior.”

“Unconditional parental love is the indispensable nutrient for the child’s healthy emotional growth. The first task is to create space in the child’s heart for the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love. She does not have to do anything or be any different to earn that love — in fact, she cannot do anything, since that love cannot be won or lost. It is not conditional. It is just there, regardless of which side the child is acting from — “good” or “bad.” The child can be ornery, unpleasant, whiny, uncooperative, and plain rude, and the parent still lets her feel loved.”

“Attention follows attachment. The stronger the attachment, the easier it is to secure the child’s attention. When attachment is weak, the attention of the child will be correspondingly difficult to engage.”

“The love, attention, and security only adults can offer liberates children from the need to make themselves invulnerable and restores to them that potential for life and adventure that can never come from risky activities, extreme sports, or drugs. Without that safety our children are forced to sacrifice their capacity to grow and mature psychologically, to enter into meaningful relationships, and to pursue their deepest and most powerful urges for self-expression.”

“The relationship between child and parent is sacred. Faced with the challenge of the peer culture, we need to keep our children’s attachments to us strong and to make these attachments last for as long as our children need to be parented.”