Free-Range Kids
How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow
Lenore Skenazy
Jossey-Bass; 2nd edition (3 Jun. 2021)
About Lenore Skenazy
Lenore Skenazy is a bold voice for common sense parenting and childhood independence. She first made headlines with her now-famous column, “Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone,” which sparked a national debate and earned her the title “America’s Worst Mom.” But Lenore didn’t back down. Instead, she launched Free-Range Kids – a blog-turned-book-turned-movement challenging the culture of overprotection and advocating for trust in our children’s capabilities.
Since then, she’s become a leading voice in the parenting world, speaking at venues as diverse as Microsoft, DreamWorks, schools and conferences across the U.S., and even the Bulgarian Happiness Festival. You may have seen her on The Today Show, The Daily Show, Dr. Phil, or hosting her own reality series, World’s Worst Mom.
Lenore is also the co-founder and president of Let Grow, a nonprofit she started with Peter Gray and Jonathan Haidt to promote childhood independence and resilience. Before her work in parenting, she was a columnist and reporter for The New York Daily News and The New York Sun.
About The Book
“…society has spent the last generation or two trying to convince parents that our job is to make life into one big smoothie for our kids: no lumps, no bumps, just sweet perfection (and some hidden spinach). The goal is to raise kids who go from colic to college without ever experiencing any frustration at all. […]
The funny thing is that while none of us want to see our kids suffer, seeing them rise to a challenge is one of parenting’s greatest highs and childhood’s too. Like, we all want them to learn how to ride a bike, right? It’s a thrill when they do! Cell phones wait their whole lives to record that moment (and then the battery dies). But to get to that point we have to let go of the handlebars and watch our sweethearts take a few spills. (Or we have to make our partner do this while we stay inside, eating cookies and reading books on good parenting. But still: someone has to let go of that bike.) We do our kids no favor if we hold the handlebars forever.
I’m pretty sure you can see the metaphor here: Helping kids? Good. Doing everything for kids, whether they be our students or our progeny? Bad. It’s even a bad idea in terms of safety! Because, strangely enough: kids who aren’t allowed a little freedom turn out to be less safe.
That’s not just Free-Range me that says this. It’s also the safety experts who have found that the confident kids the ones who have been allowed out into the world, where they develop street smarts and an air of “I can take care of myself!”- are the safest.
Luckily, this is a book all about how to give kids a little more of that superpower, independence. And by the way, educators: independent kids are readier to think, learn, and do.”
Free-Range Kids had been sitting on my “must-read” list forever. Why? Because I kept seeing the free-range philosophy pop up everywhere – from Ken Robinson to Peter Gray to Julie Lythcott-Haims. They all make the same point: kids need more freedom, more independence, and a lot more unstructured play to thrive.
But it wasn’t until I saw Lenore Skenazy’s work mentioned again in Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation that I finally hit play on the audiobook (bonus: it was free on Amazon Prime). It quickly became my go-to listen during runs.
Lenore’s message is simple but bold: overprotective parenting is doing more harm than good. If we want our kids to grow up confident, capable, and resilient, we’ve got to get a grip on our own fears and let them face the world — gradually, but with trust.
The book is broken down into 18 practical commandments for going “free-range.” Think of them as a crash course in deprogramming your inner overprotective parent. Some parts even felt like a CBT session – Lenore takes a wrecking ball to a bunch of irrational parenting beliefs. And she does it with humour, which makes it all go down easy.
She’s also the co-founder of Let Grow, a fantastic project with tons of real-life tools and stories to help parents (end educators) raise more independent kids. In fact, the second edition of the book dedicates a whole chapter to it – definitely worth checking out.
I personally enjoyed the book a lot and can’t wait to share my favourite insights with you.
Let’s jump in.
Key Insights
Statistically We Live in a Safer World Now
“Creeps are a sad fact of life. The fact that many parents seem unable to process, however, is that
THERE AREN’T ANY MORE CREEPS NOW THAN WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
Hard to believe, but that’s what the statistics show. Over at the Crimes Against Children Research Center, they track these things (as you might guess from their name). David Finkelhor, the founder of the center and a professor at the University of New Hampshire, says that violent crime in America has been falling since it peaked in the early 1990s. That includes sex crimes against kids. He adds that although perhaps the streets were somewhat safer in the 1950s, children today are statistically as sate from violent crime as their parents and grandparents were.
So when parents say, “I’d love to let my kids have the same kind of childhood I had, but times have changed,” they’re not making a rational argument.”
Surprised? Yeah, me too. I actually went back to double-check the crime stats on Lenore Skenazy’s website (here – check it out too). We’re still living in one of the safest times in modern history.
Since I’m based in the UK, I asked ChatGPT to help me dig into national crime data to see if things are actually safer now than 30 years ago. And guess what? They are. For example, here’s a great breakdown from The Times that shows how crime has shifted over the decades.
So why does it feel like the world is more dangerous than ever and our kids are one bad step away from disaster?
Lenore nails it: fear sells. That’s why TV, newspapers, and social media are flooded with dramatic stories of child abductions, murders, abuse – all the worst-case scenarios, 24/7. The more shocking, the more clicks. And slowly, this fear-soaked content creates a cultural myth: the world is a terrifying place, and the only “good” parent is one who keeps their child under constant surveillance. And if we are worrying it means we demonstrate that we are responsible.
Over time, this mindset has baked itself into our culture. “Stranger danger” became a rule. Halloween got ruined because someone might poison the candy. People call police if they see a child walking alone. And parents who let their kids roam are judged as irresponsible or neglectful — when in fact, they’re often just trying to raise capable, confident kids.
And here’s the fact: statistically, kids are more likely to die in a car crash than at the hands of a stranger. Let that sink in.
Sure, every city has sketchy neighbourhoods – no one’s saying throw common sense out the window. But check your local crime stats before you assume your child isn’t safe going to the local park with friends or walking to school alone.
Here’s a quick thought experiment: what’s the last horrible story you saw in the news? Now here’s Lenore’s advice – stop reading that stuff. Turn off the news. Unfollow the fear-mongers.
P.S. If you want to understand why we fall for this fear-based thinking, read our notes on Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow. It’s a brilliant breakdown of how our brains take mental shortcuts (like availability bias and loss aversion)— and how we can stop letting them drive our often irrational decisions.
Don’t Aim to Babyproof the World – There Are Still Things Like Fate And Luck
“The more that things are going our way in life, the more we believe in control. So if we have a decent job, we believe that we made it happen. If we have a decent house, same thing. If our kids are doing fine, we assume that’s under our control too.
In fact, when things are pretty much humming, it looks as if we can control everyone else’s lives as surely as we control everyone else’s windows from the driver’s seat.
But that’s where we’re wrong. We are not really, actually, always in the driver’s seat. Or at least there’s a driving instructor next to us with his own set of brakes, and his name is Luck or Fate or God or Bobo. (But probably Luck or Fate or God.) And the reason we even believe we’re the ones in control is that we’re in a very nice car called the First World.”
One of Lenore’s most powerful (and slightly unsettling) reminders is this: you can’t control everything. No matter how many rules, precautions, or safety gadgets we put in place, there’s still fate, randomness, and plain old bad luck.
Trying to outsmart every possible danger is not only impossible – it’s exhausting. I found this idea both liberating and terrifying. Because yes, letting go means more uncertainty… but it also means more peace, more freedom, and more trust – in life, and in our kids.
Kids Don’t Want To Be Treated as Babies
Kids are wildly creative, capable and resourceful if we give them the space to figure things out on their own. Walking to school, making a meal, doing chores, running errands — these aren’t just tasks, they’re powerful training grounds for life. Most importantly, when we encourage our kids to be independent, we show them that we trust them.
The more we let go of the urge to control everything, the more our kids get to build confidence, problem-solving skills, and a healthy sense of independence.
I often ask my older son “what if” questions (like “what if you lose your key and no one’s home?”) — and his answers? Thoughtful, creative, and often followed by, “Mum, stop worrying so much.”
Jesper Juul said, “Children are competent from birth,” and I couldn’t agree more. The more we step back, the more they step up.
This also ties into Seligman’s concept of learned helplessness: if we do everything for our kids, they eventually believe they can’t do anything themselves.
Independence gives them a healthy sense of control, and as The Thriving Child authors William Stixrud and Ned Johnson explain:
“Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating. Despite the many resources and opportunities their parents offer them, they will often fail to thrive. Without a sense of control, regardless of their background, inner turmoil will take its toll.”
Want ideas on how to start? Check out the amazing free resources from the Let Grow project. We recently woke up to a full breakfast made by our boys – they worked as a team, and we got proud smiles (and a quiet morning) in return.
Challenge for you: Pick one small task your child could take over – and let them own it.
Let Them Fail
“Aside from helping us learn painful lessons or change our boneheaded focus, once in a while failure can deliver a much sweeter surprise: flat-out success.”
In the chapter Fail! Lenore helps us normalize failure. Drawing on Carol Dweck’s work on the growth mindset, she argues that failure isn’t just inevitable – it’s essential for real success. She describes how some parents place enormous pressure on their kids to excel academically and in countless extracurriculars, all in the hope of getting them into top universities. These parents leave no room for mistakes—let alone failure. They’re constantly stepping in to save the day: dropping off forgotten lunch boxes, finishing science posters, smoothing out every bump in the road.
But here’s the truth: everyone fails. And childhood should be the safest place to do it. It’s the perfect training ground for messing up, learning, trying again. What matters is not avoiding failure—but helping kids face it with a growth mindset, so they can build the resilience and confidence that success actually requires.
She also shares an inspirational video Life=Risk and I think it’s brilliant (now it’s my second favourite after Nike Ad with Michael Jordan – check it out):
And that leads us to the next insight.
Let Kids Struggle Sometimes
Kids need to feel capable of solving problems — whether it’s a flat bike tire miles from home or getting lost in a new city with a dead phone battery.
We make a point of reminding our boys that everything is figureoutable and that they’re natural problem-solvers. And honestly? That mindset is freeing for us as parents too. I don’t drop everything to rush back to school with a forgotten water bottle — they’ll figure it out.
At the end of the day, the world is full of kind adults who are happy to help if kids just ask.
Which leads to the next insight: let’s stop scaring kids with “stranger danger” talks.
Rethinking Stranger Danger
“The best piece of advice I heard while researching this topic comes from a psychotherapist named Michelle Maidenberg, and it’s really simple: tell your kids they can talk to strangers. They can ask for help from strangers. What they should never do is go off with strangers.
Teach kids NEVER GO OFF WITH STRANGERS, even if those strangers say they have something nice to give you or need your help or were supposedly sent by Mom.”
Lenore makes a really important point: if we teach our kids that all strangers are dangerous, they might be too scared and paralized to ask for help when they really need it. That’s not just unhelpful – in some situations it’s risky.
The truth is, most crimes against children aren’t committed by strangers, but by people they already know. And the world, for the most part, is full of decent adults who are willing to help a child in trouble – if that child isn’t too terrified to approach them.
This doesn’t mean we tell kids that everyone is safe and good, of course not. But instead of “never talk to strangers,” we can teach smart rules, like:
- If an adult needs help, they should ask another adult — not a child.
- If someone offers you sweets or asks you to come see a puppy in a van — that’s a red flag, and it’s time to run to a safe place.
- You have a right to say NO to anyone who wants you to do anything you don’t want to do.
- If you’re lost or need help, look for someone in uniform, a shop assistant, or a parent with kids.
Let’s teach our kids to be aware and empowered, not afraid.
De-Demonising Video Games
In the chapter Embrace (Some) Tech, Lenore draws on Peter Gray’s research to challenge the common panic that violent video games cause real-life aggression. The science? Very inconclusive with mixed findings. In fact, video games can teach valuable skills like strategic thinking, problem-solving, collaboration, and even leadership – especially in games where kids work together.
Of course, video games shouldn’t replace real-world play. Kids still need lots of time outdoors, doing unstructured, self-directed things with other kids. But the solution isn’t to ban tech – it’s to give kids freedom and opportunity to enjoy both worlds.
Peter Gray puts it brilliantly: computers are the tools of today, just like bows and arrows once were. Kids need to play with them to become confident and competent in their world.
Social media, however, is a slightly different story. Lenore agrees with Jonathan Haidt’s research on its harmful effects – especially for girls – and supports the recommendation to delay social media use until at least age 16.
At home, we try to strike that balance. Our boys are obsessed with Minecraft – they read books about it, share building insights, and teach each other tricks. Honestly, I have no clue what’s going on half the time, but it’s incredible to see quickly they managed to figure this all out.
The bottom line? Tech isn’t the villain. It just needs to live alongside play, movement, and real-world experiences – not replace them.
Action Steps For You
- Challenge the Fear Narrative with Facts: Limit your exposure to fearmongering news and educate yourself on actual risks versus perceived ones. This helps you make informed decisions rather than emotionally reactive ones.
- Give Age-Appropriate Freedom Gradually: Start by letting your child do something slightly outside their comfort zone (and yours), like walking to a nearby friend’s house, making a simple meal, or managing their own homework routine. Increase independence as they demonstrate readiness.
- Focus on Building Real-Life Skills Over Constant Supervision: Teach your child life skills (e.g., using public transport, handling money, resolving peer conflict). Create opportunities where they can practice these in real-world scenarios without you hovering.
Quotes From The Book
“You don’t remember the times your dad held your handle bars. You remember the day he let go.”
“Independence is a new Prozac.”
“The people who show us they believe in us are the wind beneath our wings. The black holes are the people who don’t. If you think back on the big turning points in your life, good and bad, you will find all those people standing there, directing traffic.”
“A child is four hundred times more likely to die as a passenger in a car crash than to be kidnapped and murdered by a stranger.”
“If your kids seem anxious (or if you are anxious about your kid), rather than accommodating the anxiety, show them you believe in them by having them do something new and kind of cool on their own.”
“One thing we parents forget is that in our desire to keep our kids from failing, we sometimes fail ourselves or our spouses. We’re off to deliver the left-at-home shin guards or science posters, and pretty soon there’s no time left for anything or anyone else.”
