“Hi, my name is Irina, and I feel quite anxious about letting my 10-year-old walk by himself to school.“
That would be me at the Anxious Anonymous (Parent Edition) meeting if such an organization existed. Maybe I should start one, actually. Imagine a room full of parents, clutching their coffee cups like lifelines, nodding solemnly as someone confesses, “I let my child bike to the park alone, and I didn’t breathe for 15 minutes straight.”
The Fear of Letting Kids Have Independence
As much as I rave about my own free-range childhood—where I spent hours roaming the streets, climbed questionable structures, and returned home only when the streetlights flickered on—the mere thought of my child walking alone to school gives me the heebie-jeebies.
I’m also a huge fan of Peter Gray’s work and his Let Grow project. So my cortex understands that kids need independence to build confidence, resilience, and street smarts. But my reptilian brain protests:
“Come on, ma! It’s London! Have you read about all those stabbings, gangs, car accidents and child kidnappers?! Just open BBC!”
“Ok, brain, it’s the cognitive bias! Availability heuristic, to be precise!”
“Yes, but what if?!”
The Modern Parenting Dilemma: Safety vs. Independence
And there it is—the universal parental fear of letting the child go. The same fear that has probably been around since the first cave-dwelling mother let her child go gather berries alone. Except now, instead of sabretooth tigers, we fear headlines, crime statistics, and the ever-present unknown.
So naturally, my knee-jerk solution? Give him a phone or a smart watch! Then I can track him, call him every three minutes, and ensure he is still in one piece. Perfect! Except, sadly, I also know exactly why that’s a bad idea. I’ve just finished reading The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt where he put together all the research on how smartphones mess with kids’ attention spans, social skills, and emotional well-being. But oh, the temptation…
So, I’m stuck in the paradox of modern parenting: knowing what’s right for my child’s development while simultaneously battling my own deeply ingrained fears.
I know the answer lies somewhere in between. Small steps. A gradual release of independence. Teaching him street safety like a drill sergeant before he takes that solo walk. Trusting that I’ve given him the tools to navigate the world (and the local streets)—and reminding myself that statistically, he is far safer than my anxiety wants me to believe.
And maybe, just maybe, I need to Let Grow—not just him, but myself too.
Starting Small
Today, I took a small but monumental step—I let him stay home alone for the first time while I ran to pick up his brothers from a playdate. I took a deep breath, looked him in the eyes, and said, “Max, I trust you. You’ve got this.” And at the same time, I had to whisper to myself, “And I’ve got this too.”
Forty minutes felt like an eternity. My heart pounded, my mind raced through worst-case scenarios, and I may or may not have checked my phone a dozen times even though there was no one to call me. But when I came back, I saw not just a safe child, but a proud one. A boy who had tasted independence and was beaming with confidence. And in that moment, I realised—he’s more ready than I am.
The Bottom Line
If you’re struggling with the same dilemma, know that you’re not alone. Letting go is hard. But raising independent, capable kids means learning to manage our fears while giving them the freedom they need to thrive.
One small step at a time.
Loads of love,
Irina
