Parenting is the ultimate test of emotional resilience. On my quest to become a more proactive and less reactive parent, I started digging deeper into why certain situations triggered intense emotional reactions. Yelling, snapping, saying things I’d regret later—it was as if, despite knowing all the right parenting strategies, something deep inside me would short-circuit, and autopilot would take over.
I wanted to change. I wanted to rewire my neural pathways for better, more conscious reactions. And here’s a big truth I discovered along the way: You can’t change your behavior without full awareness of what needs to change. That’s the first step of proactive parenting—realizing what’s causing your emotional reactions. In other words, becoming aware of your triggers.
Inviting Consciousness
One of the books that profoundly shifted my perspective was The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. She writes:
“If you understand that the inappropriate behavior of your children is a call to increased consciousness on your part, you are able to view the opportunities they afford you to grow differently. Instead of reacting to them, you look within yourself and ask why you react. In the asking, you open a space for consciousness to arise.”
This insight struck a chord. I had spent so much time trying to correct my children’s behavior without realizing that my reactions were a reflection of my own unresolved emotions and past experiences. So, I started asking myself a simple but profound question: Why do I react the way I do?
Understanding Triggers: The Invisible Strings Pulling Your Reactions
Emotional triggers follow a predictable pattern:
Trigger → Thought → Feeling → Behavior
Much of this process happens unconsciously. The way we react is often deeply encoded in childhood memories. Most likely, it’s how our parents or caregivers responded to us in similar situations.
For example, have you ever heard yourself saying something to your child and immediately thought, Oh no, I sound just like my mom/dad? That’s because the voices of our parents become our inner voice, and certain situations automatically activate those scripts.
For me, one of my biggest triggers was noise. Shrieking, arguing, or loud play would make my blood pressure spike instantly. But when I reflected on why, I realized something: I grew up in a household where kids were expected to be seen, not heard. We lived in a small apartment with my grandparents, and our downstairs neighbor—a stern elderly woman who disliked children—would frequently complain. My parents, likely feeling ashamed or judged, would shush us constantly. If we didn’t comply? Well, let’s just say it didn’t end well for us.
Unpacking this memory helped me realize that my reaction to noise wasn’t about my kids—it was an old wound resurfacing. And that awareness was the first step to change.
Step 1: Becoming Aware of Triggers
You can’t become a calmer parent without understanding what sets you off. Here are some exercises that helped me uncover my triggers (I believe they are either from The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabari, or Philippa Perry’s The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, or both – not sure now):
Exercise: Where Does This Emotion Come From?
- The next time you feel anger, frustration, or another charged emotion towards your child, pause. Ask yourself: Does this feeling belong entirely to this situation, or is it connected to my past?
- If possible, take a step back. Saying, “I need a moment to think,” can buy you time to cool down and respond more thoughtfully.
- Reflect on patterns: What situations trigger the strongest reactions in you? When was the first time you remember feeling this way?
Exercise: Looking Back with Compassion
- Identify your strongest parenting triggers. What behaviors in your child make you the most reactive?
- Now, think back to your childhood. What happened when you displayed the same behaviors?
- This exercise can bring up deep emotions, but it also provides clarity: Are you reacting to your child, or to your own past?
Keeping a journal of triggers can be incredibly insightful. It helps track patterns and identify the underlying emotions driving your reactions.
Step 2: Rewriting the Narrative
Once you identify your triggers, the next step is to reframe them. Understanding why our parents reacted a certain way allows us to break generational patterns and choose a different response.
A powerful exercise from The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry helped me do this:
Exercise: Message from Your Memories
- Recall your earliest memory. What emotion is most dominant in it?
- How does this memory influence how you parent today?
- If it brings up feelings like shame or fear, acknowledge them without judgment. Recognizing the link between past experiences and present behavior is key to change.
For me, understanding that my parents’ response to noise was rooted in external pressures and not a reflection of my worth as a child helped me rewrite my own narrative. My kids weren’t too loud. They were simply being kids. And I had the power to respond differently.
Step 3: Creating a New Algorithm for Reactions
Identifying triggers and rewriting narratives is crucial, but real change comes from actively choosing new responses.
One technique that helped me was the WOOP method from Rethinking Positive Thinking by Gabriele Oettingen (which is more for goal setting, but worked perfectly for this purpose):
Wish: What do you want? (Example: To be a calm and conscious parent.)
Outcome: What’s the benefit? (Deeper connection with my kids, inner peace, more meaningful conversations.)
Obstacle: What will get in the way? (My triggers, stress, fatigue.)
Plan: What’s my strategy? (If X happens, I will do Y.)
For example:
- If my kids are loud, I’ll take a deep breath and remind myself that rough and tumble play is essential for their development. I will connect with them before asking them to play a different game.
- If my child refuses to clean their room, I’ll pause, take a breath, and approach it as teamwork instead of a battle.
- If my child talks back, I’ll take a moment to see things from their perspective before reacting.
Having a plan in place helped me feel more in control. Instead of being hijacked by emotions, I could navigate situations with greater awareness and intentionality.
The Bottom Line
If we don’t commit to doing the deep work of understanding our triggers, we will continue struggling with our reactions. Awareness comes first; change follows.
For me, unpacking my emotional baggage was a game-changer. I won’t claim I never get triggered anymore (I’m human!), but I react with far more awareness, patience, and grace than before. And that has transformed my parenting experience.
Now, your turn: Think about an emotionally charged interaction with your child from the past week. What triggered you? How can you change?
The journey to becoming a calmer parent starts with looking within. And trust me, it’s worth it.
