I’m sure you’ve heard it before. Hell, you’ve probably said it. That classic playground threat: “We’re going now. If you don’t come, I’m leaving without you. Bye!”
It’s like an old parenting standby, right? A surefire way to get your child moving when they’re lost in their little world. But let’s take a step back and think about what that actually does to a child.
Let me tell you a story.
Picture this: a sunny day at the playground, kids run around like wild animals, and my youngest son, Aris, is deep in his sandbox masterpiece. It’s time to go.
Now, old-school me would’ve been all, “Alright, kid, time’s up. We’re leaving.”
But I walked over and said:
“Hey buddy, I see you’re having a great time. Show me what you’ve built.”
Aris lit up, explaining every intricate detail of his sandy creation. I followed up with:
“That looks like you’ve put a lot of effort into building it. Wow. I know it’s so much fun. But we’ll have to go home in 5 minutes. Finish what you’re building and we’ll go.”
Fast forward five minutes, I returned.
“I see you’re still playing. Five minutes have passed and we have to go home now.”
He looked at me with all the defiance a five-year-old can muster and said,
“NO!”
Now, here’s where most parents would default to the good old threat: “If you don’t come, I’m leaving.”
But instead, I said,
“Ok, buddy. I know it’s so hard to leave all of your work behind – it was so much effort and fun! But we are leaving now. We can come back tomorrow.”
Now, here’s where it gets interesting.
A little boy nearby, who must’ve been around Aris’s age, was eavesdropping on our conversation. He chimed in, “You’d better listen to your mummy. Otherwise, she’ll leave you behind.”
The fear in this kid’s eyes was palpable. It was like he’d been there a few times too many, left behind on the playground, heart racing, tears streaming. And fear, as we all know, spreads like wildfire.
My son immediately grabbed my hand and said bye to his new friend.
I watched this unfold and said to the little boy, “I’m sure your mummy would never leave you.”
Then I turned to Aris and reassured him, “I’ll never leave without you. I know it’s hard to stop playing when you’re really enjoying it. So I’ll wait a bit and we’ll go once you’re ready.”
And there it was – a moment of clarity.
When we threaten kids with leaving them behind, it terrifies them. Nothing is scarier than being left by the person you trust the most.
Sure, we get what we want – their fear kicks their brains into overdrive, and they rush to the gates. And there you are, dragging home a child who can’t handle their big feelings, wondering why parenting is so damn hard.
I realized I want to parent from a place of love and compassion, not fear. Kids need to know we’ve got their back. Always.
As Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson lay out in The Power of Showing Up (check out our notes), our job as parents is to make our kids feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Threatening to abandon them because they’re lost in play doesn’t achieve any of that. It just plants a fear of abandonment that can stick with them for life.
Wise parenting isn’t about making your kid listen through threats and fear. It’s about guiding them with understanding and patience. It’s about showing up – consistently and lovingly.
So next time you’re at the playground, and it’s time to leave, remember that how you handle that moment can either build them up or break them down.
Choose wisely. Choose love.
