Most days, I give myself mental high-fives for being a calm and positive parent. Yet, there are moments when it seems my superpowers have deserted me, and the task of “taking a deep breath and responding calmly” feels as daunting as scaling Everest in flip-flops.
I thought about it a lot during my Wise Parenting Project. What turns me into a Superman exposed to kryptonite?
The answer? Surprisingly simple: sleep, or more accurately, the lack thereof.
Energy Tank and Self-Regulation Skills
Gentle parenting hinges on self-regulation, a skill that requires a lot of energy.
Imagine that we all have an “energy tank”. When it’s full, we can readily channel our energy into mindful and positive parenting. We’re alert to triggers, we engage our brains to whip out all those gentle parenting strategies, and we make decisions that would make all the parenting experts nod in approval.
When our energy tank is drained, self-regulation feels like mission impossible. Our patience wears thin, our temper flares, and suddenly, snapping seems like the only option.
Now, there are plenty of things that can suck the life out of our energy tank, but for me, it’s the lack of sleep that completely drains it dry.
Take today as an example.
I had a rough night. You know, the kind where you’re playing superhero from lights out till the crack of dawn. Battling imaginary beasts under the bed, ensuring the kids stay hydrated, doling out cuddles and so on. And just as sleep’s sweet embrace finally comes, the alarm rudely interrupts.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I felt like Superman taking a direct hit from a chunk of kryptonite. Instantly, my gentle parent powers vanished into thin air.
As I opened my eyes, I was primed to snap at the slightest provocation. The clatter of Lego blocks in the boys’ room felt like a symphony of chaos. Normally, I’d revel in their independent play, but today, it grated on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard.
As I shuffled into the kitchen, the scene resembled a tornado’s aftermath—cereal scattered like confetti, chaos reigning supreme. Normally, I’d dish out some wisdom on cleaning up their mess together, but today? Today, my eyes simply rolled.
And as the clock ticked closer to school time, my patience wore thinner than a paper napkin. Silly jokes? Ready to blow a fuse. Playing instead of getting dressed? On the brink of meltdown. Forgotten school bag? A one-way ticket to Momzilla territory.
Hit a pause button. Breathe. Respond with love.
It felt like I was holding back a ferocious beast, its thunderous roars threatening to break free from the confines of my mind.
The Antidote
So, like Superman’s got his trusty K-Suit to shield him from Kryptonite, I figured I needed my own superhero gear. I called it the A-Suit, where ‘A’ stands for Awareness.
The more aware we are of when we’re becoming overreactive and know how to break the cycle, the better we can manage it.
So, armed with my trusty double espresso and journal post-school run, I started to reflect on those moments when it’s really tough for me to be that calm and conscious super parent.
You know, those times when you’re supposed to dish out responses like “Oh you are so upset because you really wanted porridge for breakfast but we’re having scrambled eggs today! I’d be upset too!” But all that escapes your lips is, “Eat your porridge or go hungry.”
One Thing That Makes Me Reactive
As I dissected my triggers, one culprit emerged as the supervillain of the story: sleep—or the lack thereof. It’s like the domino that topples everything else in my life.
When I don’t sleep well, I transform into a zombie version of myself, relying way too much on my lizard brain. Forget rational thinking—it’s all primal instincts and survival mode.
When I don’t sleep well, my glass is half empty. I become a master nitpicker, zeroing in on every little flaw.
When I don’t sleep well, concentration becomes a Herculean feat, leaving me frustrated and unproductive.
And the list goes on.
So, yeah, it was clear that sleep needs to vault to the top of my self-care to-do list.
For now, I’ve got my trusty band-aid “Acknowledge. Validate. Permit” tool from Dr Becky’s book Good Inside:
“This morning was tough. Taking care of the kids’ needs for the entire night is hard – it makes sense that I feel this way. I’m allowed to feel exactly as I do.”
Because sometimes, admitting you’re one sleep-deprived superhero is the first step to saving the day.
What’s Your Kryptonite?
Just like in the Marvel universe, where there’s more than a dozen types of kryptonite, we’ve got our own array of stressors that can zap our self-regulation power into oblivion.
In his brilliant book Help Your Child Deal With Stress – and Thrive, Stuart Shanker lays out five stress domains that drain our energy tanks:
- Biological: This covers everything from poor nutrition and sleep to sensory overload and environmental factors like pollution.
- Emotional: Intense emotions, whether positive or negative, can leave us feeling drained. They can even block out the positive feelings we need to recharge.
- Cognitive: Ever feel overwhelmed by information or struggle to concentrate? That’s cognitive stress in action.
- Social: From sticky social situations to interpersonal conflicts, dealing with other people’s drama can take a toll.
- Pro-social: Dealing with other people’s emotions, conflicting values, or tough ethical situations can leave you feeling like you’ve been through the wringer.
So here’s the deal: Take a good, hard look at this list. Grab a pen and paper and ask yourself: What’s my kryptonite? When do I struggle most to be the calm, positive and gentle parent I aspire to be? And most importantly, how can I shrink that kryptonite down to size?
Let me know below.
Loads of love,
Irina
