One night last week, we had an unexpected visitor in our bedroom. The intruder slid between the sheets, hugged me tightly and whispered: “Mummy, there is a monster under my bed! It’s really scary. Can I sleep with you?”
That was our oldest, seven-year-old son, who usually sleeps through the night like a pro. I was about to kick him out with, “No, sweetheart. Please go back to your room,” but I quickly went through the mental list of my commandments of parenting and replied, “Oh, I see. Yeah, monsters can be really scary. Let’s talk about it in the morning and find a way to scare him away.”
We had “a white man” walking around his room before and occasional monsters hiding around his bed. But this time, it turned into a pattern – for a few nights in a row, we had a scared child, a horrible monster under his bed, and a grumpy sleep-deprived mummy. We needed a solution.
Why are kids afraid of monsters under the bed?
While searching for solutions on the internet, I was surprised to learn that there is a special term for fear of monsters – teraphobia. And apparently, it is very common in young children. Scientists say that fears are a normal and healthy part of childhood development (the same as tantrums). They help them to make sense of the world and develop important coping skills for their whole life.
Some researchers even suspect that it is evolutionary. At night humans are more vulnerable to predators. So children are hardwired to dream about frightful and dangerous creatures to have some practice runs before being chased by a real sabre-tooth tiger. In our modern world, a scary sabre-tooth tiger turned into a monster that haunts children at night – blame the TV shows, social media, games and even books!
At the same time, as children grow and begin to understand abstract concepts, their fears become complex as well. They may get scared of what they see in the night or what lurks in their imagination. And since it is still hard for younger children to distinguish real facts from fantasy, their nightmares may feel terrifyingly real.
While “the monster under the bed” issue may be a big challenge, it gives parents an opportunity to teach a child very important coping skills that will last a lifetime.
How we coped with the monster under the bed
Back to my story. In the morning, I asked my son to tell me more about the monster in his room. He explained:
“Mummy, it is very big, huge! With sharp teeth and sharp claws. It has a very long tongue and lava-proof scales. And it can turn invisible so nobody can see it. But it’s still there!”
I listened carefully and agreed that the monster seemed very scary. As Max is very creative, I’ve asked if he can draw it when he returns from school. Here is what I’ve got in the evening:
It does look frightful, I must admit ☺ Then I asked, “What shall we do with it now?” And he came up with a great idea to draw a guardian on the other side so that it would protect him from the monster. Max is fascinated by wolves, so he drew this:
I know it looks even scarier than the monster itself, but apparently, it’s a wolf!
In the evening, we put the picture under his bed. And I’ve shared the “me too” story first:
“You know, when I was little I had a ghost hiding behind the curtain. And every night it was out and I felt very scared and wanted to run to my parent’s bed as quick as possible. It’s a bit like you and your monster. But then I’ve learned a magic trick that helped me to feel safer in my bed. The ghost couldn’t do anything to me after that, got bored and disappeared! Would you like to learn more? But it’s a TOP SECRET!”
My goal here was to connect with the child and normalise his feelings. And to show that I had a similar fear and found a way to deal with it. And yes, all the kids love TOP SECRET stuff.
Inspired by Phil Stutz’s great book The Tools (check out our notes), I taught him a very simple coping strategy – a visualisation tool that I called “The Monster Shield.” Here it is:
Imagine there is a light ball in front of your tummy. It’s a magical light that scares away monsters, ghosts, or other scary creatures, big or small. It’s inside you, and always ready to help. Now. Imagine how it starts spinning around your body, creating a cocoon of bright protective light – that will be your anti-monster shield. You can create one every night before you go to sleep, and it will stay there till morning. You are in charge. Your monster can’t get you when you have the shield around you. It can still be under your bed, but you are safe.
We’ve practised it for a couple of nights, and it helped Max believe that he is in control. When he slept through the night for the first time, I praised him:
“You had your anti-monster shield and stayed in bed for the whole night. What a win! That is very brave of you! You see, you are stronger and braver than your monster!”
He now sleeps through the night and even told me his monster now seems a bit less scary.
Bingo!
The bottom line: my top tips for dealing with a child’s fear of monsters
I’ve shared with you our success story and hope it may give you an idea of how you can help your child to lessen their fear of monsters. There are several things parents can do to cope with the monsters under the bed, but here are my top 4 tips:
1. Make sure you connect with your child and accept their feelings.
While monsters may not be real, the feelings are. Don’t laugh, and don’t try to convince them that there is no monster under their bed, nor in the entire world. My son had an excellent point – it’s there, but it’s invisible! Hard to argue 🙂
2. Look for triggers.
Discuss with your child what the monster looks like. Maybe even ask them to draw it. And the second step here will be to reduce the exposure to the content that may trigger the fear. For little kids, even a pokemon may turn into a horrible monster.
3. Teach a child a coping strategy.
While the mysterious monster may still stay under the bed, your child can learn how to cope with his fear. Here are a few ideas:
- A Monster Repellant Spray: you can mix water and lavender essential oil in a small spray bottle and, as part of the bedtime routine, spray under the bed and wherever the monster is hiding;
- Put a small torch or night lamp next to the child’s bed – monsters are afraid of the light!
- Teach them a Magic Spell that turns a monster into a fluffy bunny: e.g. “Abrakadabra, monster to bunny” (or a frog – Nanny Plum’s favourite spell from the Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom show)
- If your child has a very vivid imagination, teach them to use the power of visualisation! Like with the “Monster Shield,” I taught my son, you can, for example, offer your child to imagine a magical trap that will catch the monster once it appears in the room. Or you can use the analogy of “How To Train Your Dragon” and ask if your child can become friends with his monster?
4. Reward brave behaviour.
Praise the child every time he practices his coping skills and makes progress in overcoming the fear! For example: “I’ve noticed that you used the magic spell and turned your monster into a bunny last time. And look – you stayed in bed for the whole night! That was very brave! You see, you are bigger, stronger and braver than your monster!”
I hope it helps you with the monster battles at your home!
Loads of love,
Irina
