About a month ago, our 6-year-old Max came back from school and kept bombarding us with endless questions about World War 2, Anne Frank’s diary and “the guy with a funny moustache who started the war”. We had meaningful conversations, shared our grandparents’ war stories and reassured him that everyone learned a lesson and a new war is not likely to happen.
We were wrong.
On the 24th of February, the world crumbled. In the morning I’ve opened my Instagram feed and literally burst into tears – all my Ukrainian friends posted about the beginning of the war. With Russia.
I must admit, we’ve been talking about the possibility of the war for some time, but it rather seemed very surreal. Russians vs Ukrainians? No, can’t imagine that to happen.
So to me, it came as a punch in the face.
I’ll skip all the details, and just say that I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in these 15 days. To say that I’ve been stressed all this time is to say nothing.
The war is ugly. No matter in which part of the world it unfolds. But for me, this particular war is a personal tragedy, as I have family and friends in both countries.
Sadly, now we are back to our conversations about war with the boys. But we approach it from a completely different perspective.
Helping children make sense of what’s going on
In the situation, when your mum’s country bombs your dad’s country, when your friends and their families are hiding in basements from Putin’s missiles, when you know that your closest family (and friends) in Moscow is suffering all the consequences of this war as well, it’s damn hard to stay calm. Even to pretend that you are calm.
Obviously, children can feel our distress. It’s contagious. They also do listen to what other people say about the conflict and may hear very different facts and opinions.
Psychologists say that in situations like that, it is super important for parents to help children make sense of all the information they get and all the feelings they sense.
Some adults want to protect children from the truth, worrying that this can scare them or make them anxious. But apparently, children are not scared of the information or our tears. They feel scared and anxious when we fail to help them to make sense of what’s going on. And you can’t hide your feelings (even if you try your best – kids are good at picking emotions up).
In a nutshell, we need to talk about the war and explain our feelings about it.
Talking about war in Ukraine with children – my script
On the second day of the war, I pulled myself together and googled the best way to talk to kids about war. I’ve read many articles, but most of the information seemed rather irrelevant to me.
“War is meant to prevent more bad things from happening in the future.”
Lie.
It’s like: “Today I’ve beaten my upstairs neighbour up because he could possibly flood me. I feel really bad about it, but I had to defend myself. It could happen any time. I even saw him having a water pipe.”
Or another point:
“It’s really far away, you are safe and have nothing to be scared of”.
Considering, that we live 250 km from the Ukrainian border and 1300km away from a dictator who went completely nuts, I assumed that it will be a lie too.
So I had to figure something out by myself.
My plan was:
- Honestly explain to them what’s happening (using the real words – war, death, bombs, weapon, etc.),
- Tell them how I feel and why I’m constantly on the phone,
- Explain the difference between Russians and the Russian President and government (in our case it was important, considering that boys are also Russian speakers and may hear some unpleasant comments regarding Russians),
- Highlight that people in Russia and Ukraine have loads in common and don’t want to fight each other,
- Reassure that we’ll do anything possible to keep them safe,
- Encourage compassion towards refugees and plan how we can help during the war (and actually help).
Here is my conversation with the boys (well, mostly with Max):
Me: “You know guys, it’s a very hard time now. You may hear all the different things right now from different people. But here is the truth: Russian president Putin started the war in Ukraine.”
Max: “Is it a real war, mummy? With tanks and soldiers? When people are killing each other?”
Me: “…yes it is. And I feel very upset about it. That’s why you may see me crying these days. I want you to know that Russian people do not want to fight Ukrainians. We have loads of friends from Ukraine, and many Russians do as well. Your grandad is from Ukraine and I used to live there when I was a child. That’s the Russian president who decided to start the war and make us all enemies. A few years ago he and his army even destroyed my first school.”
Max: “This Poo-tin is a very bad guy.”
Me: “Well, his actions and decisions are very bad and will cause loads of people to lose their homes and their loved ones. Killing people is bad indeed.”
Max: “Is Grandad is also fighting in this war?” (*My dad lives in Russia)
Me: “No, he is safe in Moscow now and is not in the army. But it’s a hard time for him as well.”
Max: “Can Poo-tin start the war here? And bomb our home? I’m scared and don’t want to die.” (*starts to cry)
Me: “It’s ok to be scared. A war is a scary thing. But me and daddy will do anything possible to keep you safe. We can always move to a safer place if he decides to attack us.”
Max: “Ok, mummy.”
Me: “Also, as you probably noticed, that I’m now on my phone all the time. That’s because I’m trying to help people in need – our family, friends and friends of friends. Also, there are many moms with children who are coming to Poland now and they have nothing. Do you think you can share some of your toys and books with them? I would also appreciate if you could help me with some shopping – we can go together to buy some nappies, wet wipes and food for children who run away from the war.”
And that’s what we did. And keep doing till now.
In the meantime, I’m trying to find the best answer to Max’s question “Why did Poo-tin start the war?”
But I’m still struggling with the simple explanation for a 6-year-old. If you have any – please share with me, let’s brainstorm together.
I guess we are all in this boat together now. Let’s sail.
Loads of love,
Irina
