There are plenty of things we can learn from our kids. One of them is how to become a better communicator. Seriously.
If you want your children to listen to you, you need to speak their language. And according to Danish family therapist Jesper Juul the common language ALL children in the world speak is Personal Language.
Juul argues that it’s the key to building a connection with children, improving cooperation and setting healthy boundaries.
This simple communication strategy helped us a lot with “listening” at our home, so we are excited to share this idea with you today.
Personal language – the language all children speak (but we forget to use)
When we say “my child doesn’t listen to me”, we usually refer to a lack of cooperation when we ask them to do something.
But here is the thing – sometimes children just don’t understand what we want from them. And that’s not because they aren’t smart, but because we don’t communicate our message in the right way.
In the book Your Competent Child (check out our notes), Jesper Juul shares an interesting observation – when children communicate, they express themselves with three simple phrases:
– I want / I don’t want
– I like / I don’t like
– I will / I will not
Pay attention to what your children say during the day, and you’ll notice the pattern. Here are a few examples I’ve picked during one evening:
“I don’t want to play this game.”
“No, I will not put my pants on.”
“I like playing with Alex.”
At the same time, when children talk to us, their words will always be linked to their emotions. That’s what makes them so authentic.
Of course, sometimes they act out, and it’s difficult for parents to figure out what’s the issue. But when kids use words, they are very open and specific. They make their messages VERY personal.
Here is how you can use it.
Use more “I” language.
We, adults, often forget to use personal language when we talk to children and make these three mistakes:
1. We wrap our messages up into unnecessary words:
“It is really late, and you need to rest. Could you please put your pajamas on and go to bed.”
2. We cover our irritation or anger with the teacher-like tone (asking them “nicely” ):
“Mommy gets really frustrated when you don’t clean up after yourself”.
3. We blame a child or criticize him:
“Stop being mean to your brother!”
The point is that it’s really difficult for a child’s brain to process the requests like that. They will not listen to you because they don’t want to unwrap the message.
So next time you want to ask your child to do something, try to make your message more personal and authentic by using simple language:
“I want you to put your pajamas on and go to bed now.”
“I want you to clean up after yourself.”
“I will not let you hit your brother.”
It’s that simple – re-learn this language and start using it with kids!
Works magic!
It also works perfectly when we want to say “no” to a child (or a partner…or in-laws) and set clear boundaries:
“No, I don’t want to play this game now. I want to rest for few minutes.”
“No, I don’t like when you let Max eat the whole bar of chocolate for dinner. I want you to give him fruit instead.”
In this way, we don’t harm their self-esteem and violate their integrity.
You get the point.
Four hidden benefits of personal language
When we first started using personal language at home, our kid’s cooperation increased dramatically.
But besides better listening, Juul says that personal language helps parents with other important things:
1. Personal language improves the connection in the family
When we express our needs and wants in a personal and authentic way, we create a stronger connection with other people. And connection is super important in any type of relationship.
2. Personal language helps our kids to develop emotional intelligence
When we use personal language and connect our words to our feelings, we help our kids to develop empathy and self-awareness.
3. Personal language helps us to set boundaries and limits and establish leadership at home
It helps us communicate who we are as people, what are our desires, needs and what is important for us. With personal language, it’s much easier to set boundaries and establish leadership at home.
4. We help our children develop personal responsibility, integrity and self-esteem
When we make our messages personal, it helps a child get more of an idea of what’s expected of him and puts greater responsibility on him to change. Moreover, we are not harming our child’s self-esteem and don’t violate their feeling of who they are.
An excellent strategy for the positive parenting toolbox! Worth trying!
Loads of love,
Irina and Dawid
