Father Forgets by W. Livingston Learned is simply one of the most impressive and moving poems I’ve ever read. And today is a great day to share it with all the awesome dads out there.
I stumbled across it in How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (check out the notes). Even though it was written almost 100 years ago, it is still super relevant for everyone who has children, and it definitely sparks reflection.
Below is the original poem of Father Forgets. You can also watch this video, where Dale Carnegie is reading the story (warning – it may make you cry ☺):
FATHER FORGETS
“Listen Son, I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little hand crumpled under your cheek and blonde curls sticky over your wet forehead. I have broken into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guilty, I came to your bedside.
There are things which I am thinking, son; I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face a mere dab with the towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast, I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. As you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” I frowned and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”.
Then it began all over again late this afternoon. As I came up the road, I spied you down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your socks. I humiliated you before your friends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Socks were expensive, and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that son, from a father.
Do you remember later, when I was reading in the library, how you came timidly, with sort of a hurt look in your eyes? I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption; you hesitated at the door. “What is it that you want?” I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, your small arms tightened with affection that God had set blooming in your heart, which even neglect could not wither. Then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.
Well, Son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, or reprimanding; this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you: it was that I expected too much of you. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.
There is so much that was good, fine and true in your character. The little heart of yours was as big as the dawn itself over the hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else mattered tonight. Son, I have come to your beside in the darkness, I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is a feeble atonement; I know that you would not understand these things which I have told you in the waking hours. Tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, suffer when you suffer and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy–a little boy.”
I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, Son, crumpled and weary in your bed. I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much!”
This short story taught me a powerful lesson – criticism is futile. Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. But the whole point of life is to learn from these mistakes and move on (growth mindset style).
And these little mistakes, and even big failures, are essential for our kids (and us as well) to become happy and successful adults. But they can learn from them only when they feel that we have their backs.
What this means to me is that our consistent high expectations should be expressed by words of encouragement rather than criticism. And when you think about it, it’s true for all other people in your life – your spouse, your boss, your peers. Treat everyone with respect and try to understand why a person did what he/she did.
Here is also Carnegie’s tip:
“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.” To know all is to forgive all”.
One more important point here. We might have the habit of criticising others installed in us a long time ago from our childhood, and that it just runs on autopilot.
It’s never too late to become aware of this and change.
There is always the next morning to become a bit better. Just 1% better ☺ Every day. So by the next Father’s Day, you can become 37 times better (cheers to compound effect!).
Take a moment today and reflect on this.
Happy Father’s Day.
Dawid
