The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem – book summary

The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field

NATHANIEL BRANDEN

BANTAM © 1995

Book | eBook | Audio

 

About the author:

Nathaniel Branden, PhD is a God Father of Psychology of self-esteem. He was a lecturer, a practising psychotherapist, and the author of twenty books on the psychology of self-esteem, romantic love, and the life and thought of Objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand. His work has been translated into eighteen languages and has sold more than 4 million copies. Branden’s name has become synonymous with the psychology of self-esteem, a field he pioneered more than thirty years ago.

About the book:

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is, as its sub-title proclaims: “the definitive work on self-esteem by the leading pioneer in the field.” In this book, Branden explains the basics of self-esteem and why it is essential to psychological health, achievement, personal happiness, and positive relationships. But what is more important, he outlines six pillars -six action-based practices for daily living that provide a foundation for building true self –esteem and feeling good about yourself. Branden also shares the concrete guidelines for teachers, parents, and therapists to help them to develop self-esteem in others.

Key insights:

“The turbulence of our times demands strong selves with a clear sense of identity, competence, and worth. With a breakdown of cultural consensus, an absence of worthy role models, little in the public arena to inspire our allegiance, and disorienting rapid change a permanent feature of our lives, it is a dangerous moment in history not to know who we are or not to trust ourselves. The stability we cannot find in the world we must create within our persons”.

Branden talked about turbulent times in the early 90s, but when you read this, it seems like he writes about the time we live now ☺ Self-esteem is our basic need to function well in our crazy world. It is a kind of “the immune system of consciousness” and provides resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration.

The six pillars of self-esteem

“What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does”

Nathaniel says if we want to build high self-esteem, we have to focus on consistent ACTION. That’s not about thinking, having inspiring conversations, reading uplifting quotes. It’s all about doing and living our core truths. And that is a difference between passive and active life.

So here are the six pillars (practices) of self-esteem:

1) The practice of Living Consciously

2) The practice of Self-Acceptance

3) The practice of Self-Responsibility

4) The practice of Self-Assertiveness

5) The practice of Living Purposefully

6) The practice of Personal Integrity

As Branden puts it: “A ‘practice’ implies a discipline of acting in a certain way over and over again—consistently. It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriate response to a crisis. Rather, it is a way of operating day by day, in big issues and small, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.”

Let’s look at these practices in detail and think about integrating them into our daily lives. Again, if you want to feel good about yourself or develop high self-esteem in your children, you need to ACT and PRACTICE over and over again.

Pillar No 1: The practice of living consciously

“When we live consciously we do not imagine that our feelings are infallible guide to truth.”

To improve self-esteem, we need to start with shifting our mindset: basically, we need to start living consciously. By living consciously, we are going off the “autopilot” – beginning to question things and think about our inner world (needs, wants, emotions) as well as of the outer world (facts and interpretations). By doing so, we are getting closer to reality. When we live consciously, we gain a fundamental understanding of ourselves, which is a base for our well-being.

All of which begs the question: are YOU living consciously? Pay attention. It matters. A lot. And remember, conscious living is a practice.

Cleverly, throughout every pillar of self-esteem, Nathaniel uses the practice of sentence completions as a powerful tool for living more consciously. To practice it, take a sentence stem and create 6-10 completions of that sentence so that it would make sense grammatically. Write quickly whatever comes to your mind, don’t stop to think and, as Branden says: “Any ending is fine, just keep going.”

You can practice sentence completion every morning in your journal. Try completing the following stems:

• Living consciously to me means…
• If I bring 5 per cent more awareness to my activities today…
• If I pay more attention to how I deal with people today…
• If I bring 5 per cent more awareness to my insecurities then…
• If I bring 5 per cent more awareness to my priorities then…

Pillar No 2: The practice of self-acceptance

“We can run not only from our dark side but also from our bright side—from anything that threatens to make us stand out or stand alone, or that calls for the awakening of the hero within us, or that asks that we break through to a higher level of consciousness and reach a higher ground of integrity. The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny or disown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness—because it frightens us. If a fully realized self-acceptance does not evade the worst within us, neither does it evade the best.”

If we accept ourselves as we are, our behaviour, we see the way for improvement, and we are willing to act to become better selves. From good to great ☺

Here is on how to bring more awareness and acceptance into our lives or in other words, more consciousness and integration:

• Without self-criticism of broadly “us” – “To be self-accepting is to be on my own side—to be for myself”
• Simply understanding yourself – “Self-acceptance entails our willingness to experience—that is, to make real to ourselves, without denial or evasion—that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are what we are.”
• Learning from your own mistakes – “Self-acceptance entails the idea of compassion, of being a friend to myself. Accepting, compassionate interest does not encourage undesired behavior but reduces the likelihood of it recurring.”

So the time for the most important question: are you accepting your own greatness?

Pillar No 3: The practice of self-responsibility

“I am responsible for my choices and actions. To be ‘responsible’ in this context means responsible not as the recipient of moral blame or guilt, but responsible as the chief causal agent in my life and behavior.”

The practice of self-responsibility is about taking control of our existence and our happiness by being solution-oriented. Key here is to understand that it is not someone else’s job to make us happy; we are responsible for our life choices and our own happiness. Whenever a problem arises, ask yourself a powerful question: “What can I do about it?”

It is about our response to life’s challenges in a healthy and autonomous manner. NOT as victims, blaming everyone and everything around us for the situation and results. Or feeling shame and guilt that we are not fulfilling society, else’s goals and living to THEIR standards. But by acting towards completing our goals and manifest our desires in living to our standards, that are embedded in our core beliefs.

Here is a powerful stem to wake one up to reality:

• If I take full responsibility for my personal happiness…

Pillar No 4: The practice of self-assertiveness

“Self-assertiveness means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters.”

That simply means to be REAL and authentic, be who you are. And to practice self-assertiveness, we need the conviction that our beliefs, values, ideas, needs and wants are important. To be self-assertive is about the willingness to confront the challenges of life and to strive for mastery.

Pillar No 5: The practice of living purposefully

“To live purposefully is to use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected: the goal of studying, of raising a family, of earning a living, of starting a new business, of bringing a new product into the marketplace, of solving a scientific problem, of building a vacation home, of sustaining a happy romantic relationship. It is our goals that lead us forward, that call on the exercise of our faculties, that energize our existence.”

Purpose and integrity are vital pillars of healthy self-esteem. When we have clear goals in mind and live purposefully, we live and act by intention. That means that our orientation to life is proactive rather than reactive. Our goals energise our existence. Even in adverse circumstances (Viktor Frankl is a great example – check out our notes on his great book Man’s Search For Meaning). And yes, purpose is HUGE in positive psychology and essential for our well-being.

Question for you: what is your purpose, and are you living it? If not, is your primary purpose to FIGURE OUT your purpose?

We ALL can live purposefully! So let’s work on it.

Pillar No 6: The practice of personal integrity

“Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs and behavior. When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match, we have integrity”

Personal integrity is about making our actions match our goals, and at the same time, making our behaviour match our words. The practice of personal integrity unites and completes the other five pillars. Without integrity, the preceding practices “disintegrate”. We need to establish and live by our ideals, convictions, standards, and beliefs to behave the way we genuinely WANT (aspire to be).

Integrity does not guarantee that we will make the best choice. It only asks that our effort to find the best choice be authentic—that we stay conscious, stay connected with our knowledge, call on our best rational clarity, take responsibility for our choice and its consequences, do not seek to escape into a mental fog.

This pillar is perhaps the hardest one to practice considering all the external pressure we could feel and experience.

Again, a question for you: are you living with personal integrity? Are you “walking the talk”?

Self-discipline and self-competence

“No one can feel competent to cope with the challenges of life who is without the capacity for self-discipline. Self-discipline requires the ability to defer immediate gratification in the service of a remote goal. This is the ability to project consequences into the future—to think, plan, and live long-range.”

Self-discipline and delaying gratification – are the two hallmarks to live a successful and happy life. Self-discipline is “a survival virtue”, and it means that we can choose our activities consciously and take responsibility for our decisions. That’s when we keep asking “what is important now for achieving my goal?”

Small improvements are big

“One does not have to attain “perfection” in these practices. One only needs to raise one’s average level of performance to experience growth in self-efficacy and self-respect. I have often witnessed the most extraordinary changes in people’s lives as a result of relatively small improvements. In fact, I encourage clients to think in terms of small steps rather than big ones because big ones can intimidate (and paralize), while small ones seem more attainable, and one small step leads to another.”

Small marginal gains make the difference when we want to become better, but never PERFECT (as such person never existed and will not be… ufff). But consistency is the key. That reminds us of James Clear – in “Atomic Habits” (check out the notes) he writes:

“…improving 1 percent isn’t particularly notable—sometimes it isn’t even noticeable—but it can be far more meaningful, especially in the long run. The difference a tiny improvement can make over time is astounding. Here’s how the math works out: if you can get 1 percent better each day for one year, you’ll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you’re done.”

Feeling of being “not enough” and self-esteem

“If my aim is to prove I am “enough,” the project goes on to infinity—because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable. So it is always “one more” victory—one more promotion, one more sexual conquest, one more company, one more piece of jewellery  a larger house, a more expensive car, another award—yet the void within remains unfilled.”

When we are trying to convince everyone around that we are “enough” it makes us unhappy. Being “Not enough” is about doing things to please others (extrinsic motivation), rather than enjoying what we really want to do. Branden reminds us that “Our motive is not to “prove” our worth but to live our possibilities.” And remember – YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Nurturing child’s self esteem

Children’s self-esteem greatly depends on parents (and other carers, e.g. grandparents and teachers).

Branden refers to Stanley Coopersmith’s landmark study, The Antecedents of Self-Esteem, in which he outlined five conditions associated with high self-esteem in children:

1. Parents need to totally accept and value their child’s thoughts and feelings.
2. Parents set clear borders and limits, giving the child a sense of security and a clear basis for evaluating their behaviour. He also adds: “Further, the limits generally entail high standards, as well as confidence that the child will be able to meet them. Consequently, the child usually does.”
3. Parents respect child’s dignity as a human being: they take his needs and wishes seriously, as well as they are willing to negotiate family rules within carefully drawn limits. (That reminds us of authoritative parenting – or wise parenting). And also: “The parents show an interest in the child, in his or her social and academic life, and they are generally available for discussion when and as the child wants it.”
4. Parents set high standards and high expectations in terms of child’s behaviour and performance (again, wise parenting ☺), which they convey in a respectful, benevolent, and non-oppressive manner. Importantly, “the child is challenged to be the best he or she can be.”
5. Parents themselves have a high level of self-esteem so that they can model self-efficacy and self-respect (again, lead by example!). Note to all parents – don’t just tell them what to do, show them!

Parents are leaders of the family. Let’s be the best version of ourselves, so our children will have a great example to follow. Branden reminds us that: “It may be tempting, but it is self-deceiving to believe that what one says can communicate more powerfully than what one manifests in one’s person.  We must become what we wish to teach.” – simple and powerful – love it. Again, children don’t listen to us much, but they definitely copy our behaviour. As Gandhi puts it: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Same here – we must become the self-esteem example for our kids (win-win situation btw).

So lets put six pillars of self-esteem into practice and be the role models for our children that inspire them to be who they want to be 🙂

Action Steps For You:

1. How can you integrate six pillars-practices to improve your self-esteem and become a role model for your children?
2. Embrace the authoritative parenting style to develop healthy self-esteem in your children.
3. What is your purpose in life? Create a clear plan to achieve your life goals.

Quotes From The Book: