When it comes to success, there are more critical factors than IQ and talent. In fact, according to one of the top psychologists, Angela Duckworth, the key factor influencing success is grit.
Angela tells us that the most successful people in any domain tend to have very high levels of grit. They don’t quit things easily, have a deep commitment to a long-term goal and work hard towards it.
Passion + Perseverance = Success
In her excellent book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, she summarises years of her research and tells us that grit is not a fixed trait, and you can certainly develop it. Moreover, you can foster a culture of grit at home so your children could also grow their grit and perseverance muscles.
In the book Duckworth also shares her experience on how she applies her research findings in her own life, to help her family (particularly her two daughters) to develop a high level of grit.
Duckworth tells us that her whole family lives by the “Hard Thing Rule”:
1. Everyone in the family has to do something hard
“The first is that everyone – including Mom and Dad – has to do a hard thing,” Duckworth writes in her book. “A hard thing is something that requires daily deliberate practice, something where you’re going to get feedback telling you how you can get better, and you’re going to get right back in there and try again and again.”
2. You have to finish what you start
“You can quit,” Angela says. “But you can’t quit until the season is over, the tuition payment is up, or some other ‘natural’ stopping point.”
So it’s totally fine to switch from one hard thing to another, but if you want to develop perseverance, you need to keep going until some natural stopping point occurs (e.g. the final performance, end of the semester, etc.). The goal is to finish whatever you begin. That means you can’t quit just because you had a bad day, or your teacher shouted at you, or you failed the test.
3. No one gets to pick the hard thing for anyone else
To develop grit, you need to be passionate and interested in whatever you’re doing. That means you need to have a strong internal motivation. So it’s crucial to choose an activity you are interested in from the beginning. And let your kids pick what they want – don’t force them into something they don’t like.
“Even when my kids were five and six years old,” Angela said, “they were given some choice in what their hard thing was.”
As you can imagine, if you force your child to play the piano and he absolutely hates it, it will not make him grittier. Instead, it may lead to frustration and wasted time.
“I think it’s very important to send the message that, while parents are needed to remind you to practice and occasionally force you to finish things … they also need to learn to respect you. You as an individual ultimately are the captain of where you’re going.” – and this is a key take away for us parents.
In “Grit” Angela also notes that her younger daughter went through about six hard things until she finally settled on playing the viola.
Our role as parents is to help children find something they’re interested in and then support them in growing that interest. And at the same time, we need to model grit and show how far it can take you.
To conclude, if you want to begin with growing grit in your family, the Hard Thing Rule can be a great starting point. It gives children autonomy and freedom to pick their own pursuits and at the same time sets the expectation that once started, they have to be committed till the end. Even if it’s challenging. It helps them to develop a sense of purpose and explore interests, and most importantly, children learn that with perseverance and grit, they can succeed in whatever they are most passionate about.
So question for today: What is your Hard Thing? Is your child passionate about his or her Hard Thing?
Loads of love,
Irina & Dawid
