Research shows that happy and successful children grow up in families that set clear goals, provide feedback, and facilitate feeling of control, intrinsic motivation, and challenge. Scientists called it the “autotelic family context”. So let’s discuss what it is and how to implement it into your life.
We’ve talked already about the autotelic self concept and how to experience more flow and happiness in our lives (check out the post here).
As a reminder, Csikszentmihalyi in his brilliant book “Flow” (check out the notes) tells us that our ability to experience more flow (and consequently become happier) greatly depends on whether we are “autotelic self”.
In short, an autotelic person is mostly driven by intrinsic goals and proactively looks for challenges that demand high skill ability. That’s how they continuously “flow” in life. And where is more flow, there are more creativity, innovation and happiness.
How Growing Up is Stealing Our Flow
When you think of it, most of the babies are autotelics – they are curious, absolutely love exploring new things, often looking for challenges and developing their skills just because they want to do it. Mostly they are driven by internal goals and curiosity itself. And yes, they play a lot and that’s a great source of flow experience.
But as children grow up, more and more goals are set for them by others. Firstly, they need to do well in school and other extracurricular activities. Then we expect them to get a good degree from a university, find a proper job and be a model member of our society.
There is also a lot of social pressure, putting forward money, fame and power as models of success. And we as parents can’t resist telling them what to do if they wish to have a comfortable life in the future. Often we organise their life in a way, that they have less time for active play and to enjoy whatever they want to do. And on top, we often substitute real enjoyment (e.g. active and creative play) with passive pleasure (e.g. watching cartoons).
Amongst all of this external pressure, with time it may seem hard for children to know who they are and what they really want from their life. As a result – there is actually a counter effect on their ability to develop control over their own consciousness. And consequently, children experience less flow and happiness.
So if you want your children to keep their authentic autotelic personalities, first of all you need to create an autotelic family environment. Technically, you need to become an autotelic parent.
Raising autotelic children
Obviously, Csikszentmihalyi has a lot to say from the science perspective ☺
Longitudinal studies show that the way how parents interact with a child will have a lasting effect on the kind of person that child grows up to be.
In one of our studies conducted at the University of Chicago, for example, Kevin Rathunde observed that teenagers who had certain types of relationship with their parents were significantly more happy, satisfied, and strong in most life situations that their peers who did not have such a relationship.
– writes Csikszentmihalyi.
According to the research, happy kids grew up in families, which provided optimal experience (flow) environment. And their childhood was the ideal training for enjoying life. Scientists called it the “autotelic family context”.
5 “C”s of Autotelic Family Context
So how could you be an autotelic parent? Here are the five “C”s of autotelic family context:
- Clarity: Set clear goals and provide constructive feedback when interacting in your family. Children need to know what their parents expect from them. And at the same time, parents know what their kids are up to.
- Centering: be genuinely interested in what your children are doing now, in their feeling and experiences. Long term perspective like talking about their future (e.g. getting into a good university or obtaining a well-paid job) is important, but autotelic parents also show that they care about NOW. They show presence.
- Choice: provide a variety of opportunities from which your children can choose, including that of breaking parental rules – as long as children are prepared to face the consequences ☺ don’t limit possibilities for them.
- Commitment, or the trust: that is one of the most important parts – trust your kids and provide constant support. This allows them to feel comfortable enough to set aside the shield of their defenses, and get involved in whatever they are interested in.
- Challenge: provide increasingly complex opportunities for action to your children. Set the bar high (but don’t forget about the support ☺)
Children who grow up in family situations that facilitate clarity of goals, feedback, feeling of control, concentration on the task at hand, intrinsic motivation, and challenge will generally have a better chance to order their lives so as to make flow possible.
– Csikszentmihalyi says.
The “Autotelic family context” is based on the flow theory, but it also resembles Wise Parenting idea, don’t you think?
So today’s question for reflection is – what do you do already from the above? What could you start doing today to bring more autotelic family context to your day to day life?
Loads of love,
Irina & Dawid
