Parenting experts say that if you want to raise great kids, you need to simultaneously hold high standards and offer loads of warmth, love and support.
The technical term for this parenting style is “authoritative parenting”, but we really like how the Grit researcher Angela Duckworth calls it – Wise Parenting.
What is wise parenting?
Check out the graph below:
If you are just demanding but offer no warmth and support, you’re an Authoritarian parent. If you have low standards and high warmth, you’re Permissive. If you have neither high standards nor warmth, you’re Neglectful (and this type of parenting creates an especially toxic emotional climate btw).
Wise parenting is about being both demanding and supportive. Wise parents set high standards, and are nurturing and responsive at the same time. They show respect for children as independent and rational beings. And this is where we all have to aim in our parenting journey.
“Parents in this quadrant are accurate judges of the psychological needs of their children. They appreciate that children need love, limits, and latitude to reach their full potential. Their authority is based on knowledge and wisdom, rather than power.”
Angela Duckworth
Why wise parenting matters?
Over the past four decades, the researchers proved that children of wise parents are doing better in life than children raised in any other kind of household.
For example, in one of the studies, the psychologist, Laurence Steinberg, has asked about ten thousand teenagers to complete a questionnaire about their parents’ behaviour. He found that regardless of gender, ethnicity, social class or parents’ marital status, teens with warm, respectful and demanding parents had better grades at school, were more self-reliant, suffered less anxiety and were less likely to engage in delinquent behaviour.
What is important, wise parenting encourages children to emulate their parents. When parents are loving, respectful and demanding, children will not only follow their example, they revere it. For instance, in Angela Duckworth’s research, many paragons of grit have told her with pride that their parents are their most admired and influential role models. So if you want to raise great children, first reflect on your behaviour. Ask yourself if you are a good role model for them, and if you are a wise parent. ☺
Curious if you are a wise parent?
Check out the questionnaire developed by psychologist and parenting expert Nancy Darling:
Supportive: Warm
- I can count on my parents to help me out if I have a problem.
- My parents spend time just talking to me.
- My parents and I do things that are fun together.
- My parents don’t really like me to tell them my troubles.
- My parents hardly ever praise me for doing well.
Supportive: Respectful
- My parents believe I have a right to my own point of view.
- My parents tell me that their ideas are correct and that I shouldn’t question them.
- My parents respect my privacy.
- My parents give me a lot of freedom.
- My parents make most of the decisions about what I can do.
Demanding
- My parents really expect me to follow family rules.
- My parents really let me get away with things.
- My parents point out ways I could do better.
- When I do something wrong, my parents don’t punish me.
- My parents expect me to do my best even when it’s hard.
With how many of these statements would your child agree without hesitation (except those in italic)? Is there any work to be done?
Loads of Love,
Irina & Dawid
